The annual developer’s conference this June brought Apple announcements that, in turn, bring smiles and hard-ons to social techie junkies around the world. Herein we discuss the coming changes, new features and things tha
t’ll make a little pee come out. These aren’t the only new features in iOS 8. These are just the crème de la crème.
Escape From Group Messages
The day has finally come that man will no longer sit through endless notifications of ignorant, semi-racist remarks from unknown numbers in a group conversation he never wanted to take part in. And on top of that, you can name, organize and invite people into group chats as you wish. And then you can leave once it’s run its course. It’s like getting a quiet, clean divorce without all the paperwork. Beautiful! Aside from that, you can send multiple photos and videos at once and later, when you’re lonely and horny, you can pull up all the photo attachments at once.
Real Life LOLs!
Probably the most immediately abused feature is the innovative iMessage soundbite. Within a text conversation, you can now record your actual voice, sounds or songs to add right into the middle of the conversation. Now you can LOL for real; every man’s dream. And the cherry on top is the new video feature, which allows for instant video recording in a message to be shared on a moment’s notice. Bet you didn’t think things could be any more instantaneous than they already were. You lost that bet.
Smart Keyboard
Grammar flunkies of the texting realm can rest easy, as iPhone’s new smart keyboard will make them seem like English scholars. Its new predictive typing tries to get ahead of you by
guessing what you’re going to type based on what you’re typing and who you’re typing to. Drunk texts have never looked so sterling. Tweens and their incessant texts have never been faster either. In addition, the keyboard offers a swiping style option, which allows users to run their finger from letter to letter instead of having to pinpoint type words. This is where the single sausage finger finally excels in life. What’s next, world peace?
Interactive Mindblowers
Apple’s mobile layout is becoming so convenient, it reminds us of the days when our mothers would always be there to take care of everything. The new interactivity of iOS 8 is a lot like that, nicely laying out notifications – incoming emails, texts and reminders – that we can respond to without disrupting our current activity. A cool new plus is the multitasking screen, which pops up with a double tap of the Home button and now offers recent and favorite contacts, in addition to recently opened apps, so you can get in touch with people more quickly. And Safari’s great new layout, which arrived with iOS 7, is now available on iPad as well, so you can get the reading lists and iCloud connectivity of all devices for Safari searches right where you want them. The only thing iOS 8 doesn’t do now is iron our pants and dress us in the morning. Good thing you still live at home!
Family Sharing Is Caring
Finally, your mother will know what it means to be cool because now she’ll have access to all the books, music and other iCloud storage you have on your devices. That can’t go wrong at all. It’s actually a clever idea, allowing families (up to six people) to share everything with one another, meaning if your dad buys a book, you can read it via iCloud family sharing, and you can get him back by buying a Fleetwood Mac record you can both share. Enjoyable family trips have never seemed more possible.
iCloud Orgy
A developer’s dream just came true as iCloud is being fully utilized by sharing its documents across all devices in a very organized, very useful iCloud Drive. The same way we use hard drives for work, iCloud Drive shares files across mobile devices so you can pull up spreadsheets, presentations and images anywhere through your iCloud. Perfect for work productivity, iWork programs like Numbers, Keynote and Pages are more accessible, and all the edits are updated to the synced devices. For instance, you can start with an idea on your iPhone, type it up on your iPad and then edit and send from your computer. This orgy has no discernible order and prejudice when it comes to your work.
Health Junkies Get Funky
Remember the “Seinfeld” episode where Elaine has a chart on her behavior at every doctor’s office she visits? Well, that’s a real thing now. Health has never been more easily recorded and s
hared as HealthKit organizes everything from your fitness regime and stats, daily diet and heart rate. Things as telling as sleep habits and calories burned can be noted and sent to any person or practitioner of your choosing. Your blood pressure can be regularly kept up to date with your doctor. Your eating habits can be sent to a nutritionist and your daily heart rate can go to your fitness instructor to keep you honest. HealthKit is aimed to keep people in touch and current with their health status, and if sharing the number of times you masturbate with your therapist doesn’t put everyone at ease, I’m not sure what will.
Handoff Is a Real Nice Handjob
Speaking of masturbation – sorry, I’m having a dry spell – the connectivity conquest known as Handoff is quite the little feature. Much like iCloud Drive, Handoff is exactly what it sounds like, an iCloud assistant that helps you start the race with one device and finish strong on another. Users can now swap devices mid-search, mid-text and mid-email thanks to the instant connectedness of iCloud. In other words, you can text your ex-girlfriend “please” on your iPad and finish with a strong “stop telling people you’re pregnant with my child!” on your phone. Technology is cool, ain’t it now?
Spotlight Gets Bright
We saw Spotlight coming into its own as the new, innovative search tool when iOS 7 rolled out, and now iOS 8 takes it little further, making it more predictable for the pathetically predictable human brain. What once was a simple search bar for your phone is now an intuitive search space
that predicts (as you type) and pulls up the information you need instantly. Whether it’s pointless information off Wikipedia, popular places nearby, or trends you crave, Spotlight is always on top of it. So the next time you want to know the score of the Bulls game, the address for the Italian place down the block or the number of times Ron Jeremy nailed so many girls his penis nearly fell off, Spotlight will tell you!
Photos Galore
The all-new Photos app exposes every photo on all your devices instantly from your iCloud Library. The new Photos makes finding and sharing easier by organizing them by time and location, allowing you to favorite your best and edit before you share. Speaking of editing, the new in-app tools make cropping, enhancing and filtering the color well enough you won’t need second-hand editing apps and your changes are updates across all devices. Taking a good dick pic, editing and sharing from any device has never been easier for a politician.
