I think it’s safe to say that, if you love going to the club, you should not be trusted. Going to the club is the absolute worst and if you somehow don’t realize that, then please, let us educate you on the awfulness of it. We could have listed hundreds of reasons, but you probably don’t want to read a list of every Pitbull song, so here are 12 reasons why going to the club is the worst.
1. The Music
Oh cool, they’re playing that one song that sounds exactly like every other song they play at the club. After about 20 minutes of the same techno, dubstep beat, no one should be enjoying themselves. Do you have this stuff on your iPod? How do you tell when one song ends and another begins?
2. Trying to Talk
Ah, there’s nothing quite as enjoyable as screaming, “WHAT’S YOUR NAME? YOU LOOK REALLY NICE” into the eardrum of a girl you’re trying to dance with on a crowded floor. Here’s how most of those conversations go:
3. Everyone is Sweaty
You know how all those songs talk about how sexy it is to be hot and sweaty in the club? That’s actually a terrible thing. Deodorant wears, makeup is melting off faces, and hair gel has turned into slime. Yeah Nelly, it is getting hot in here. Can someone please turn on a fan or something?
4. The People
If a club was actually full of attractive women, do you really think the only men that would show up would be super attractive guys with ripped abs and perfect stubbly facial hair? No. You’d have every pudgy warlock crawling out of their caves to come in and stand along the perimeter of the dance floor, just to stare at everyone while sipping on a Dr. Pepper. Even I’m terrified of those guys and they have no interest in me whatsoever.
5. The Unwanted Grinding
I understand that dudes need to try and make a move, but imagine doing the uninvited grind in any other social setting. You’re in line at the deli and some guy just starts thrusting his corduroy crotch into your hips. You would immediately call the police. However, if Drake is playing in the background, somehow it’s perfectly fine. Isn’t that reason enough to avoid the club?
6. The Drinks
If you’re a lady, your drinks are usually free for a while, but really strong so you’ll make terrible decisions. For guys, the drinks are usually around $37 for a plastic cup full of orange juice and a sneeze of tequila. I don’t mean a regular sized plastic cup. We’re talking the size of a Benadryl cap. Party time!
7. The Dress Code
I understand not wanting people to wear flip flops or shorts, but why do we have to dress like we’re in a wedding party just to get a bunch of drinks spilled on us to a Ke$ha soundtrack? Have you ever tried to stanky legg while wearing dress shoes? It’s almost painful. Plus, you’re just inviting guys to wear those bedazzled dress shirts with a flaming dragon or eagle on that back that says “Endurance” or “Longevity” or some other unrelated word on the back of it in faux crystals.
8. The Cover
We’ve already established that we’re going to be paying $760 for a round of drinks, so now you’re going to stick it to us again by making us pay money to even walk through the door? Trust me, if I’m going to have to listen to a bunch of bros yell YOLO dozens of times, I’m going to be doing as much drinking as possible. You’ll get your money from me.
9. The DJ
Dude, you’re playing a Midwestern club on a week night. You can settle down quite a bit. We don’t need you interrupting the song every 9 seconds to tell us to hold our drinks in the air or make some noise. You’re the one with the sound system You make the noise.
10. The VIP
What is it about a tiny rope that makes people think they’re Diddy? It could be a dance hall in the back of a bowling alley, but if there’s a VIP area, without a doubt you’ll see a group of guys that look like outtakes from Axe Body Spray commercials holding a bottle of alcohol and pretending to lord over the club like Joffrey from “Game of Thrones.” Your cousin is the bartender and called in a favor so maybe just hold off on making it rain? You have bills due next week.
11. Everything Is Sticky
I don’t want to know why everything is sticky. Please don’t tell me what that residue is that’s making my shoes cling to the floor like a horribly mysterious super glue. Let me just assume someone spilled a bottle of honey because if not, I’m going to have to burn these clothes when I get home.
12. Those Bathrooms
If it’s after 1 a.m., there is a 100 percent chance someone will either throw up on you in the bathroom, or you’ll unintentionally put your hand in vomit. I can’t imagine the horrible, unspeakable things that poor bathroom attendant has seen in his days. Whatever he’s getting paid, it’s not nearly enough for the images that flash through his mind every night as he tries to sleep. He could make his own version of the video tape from “The Ring” and you wouldn’t want to have to wait the full seven days to die. Just kill me now.
