I love Christmas as much as the next person, but let’s not ignore how many terrible things we have to deal with around the holiday season. The presents are great, but at what price do they come? Get ready to have your yuletide cheer deflated with the 20 worst things about Christmas.
1. Everyone starts serving eggnog like that’s something a human body should actually ingest. It tastes like if the insides of a real egg had the texture of a Cadbury Egg, and not in a good way.
2. You get to have a moment of panic every time you greet someone because if you say “Merry Christmas” to the wrong person they’ll freak out, but if you say “Happy Holidays” to another group they’ll freak out. It’s better just to tell everyone you’re Jewish.
3. If you need one little item from the store you’d better set aside 4-13 hours because everyone is aggressively shopping for Christmas presents until literally seconds before Christmas. That bag of sugar will be the most difficult thing you’ve ever tried to purchase.
4. You have to go through everyone you know in your mind and figure out which people will probably buy you a gift so you can buy them one to make it even. However, if you buy someone a present that didn’t buy you one, it can throw off the entire structure of your friendship.
5. Seeing family is great, but sleeping on a bed intended for a 12-year-old while visiting your family almost makes it not worth it.
6. What am I supposed to do with a Christmas card? I can’t throw it away as soon as I get it, but I don’t want to hang it on my wall like I’m a detective piecing together the clues of a murder. I guess it’ll just be on my refrigerator for the next seven months instead.
7. When you go visit your family on Christmas, your dad will either keep the house so hot you’ll swear you were on the surface of the sun, or it’ll be so cold your drinks will freeze sitting in the living room with no ice in them.
8. You have to put up lights, which means you’re either going to have to work all day out in the freezing cold to make it look halfway decent, or you’re going to slop it together and look like you live in a festive meth house for the holidays.
9. You’re going to get an onslaught of those idiotic commercials where someone walks into their yard and finds a brand new car with a bow on top. Who is buying a car without consulting with their spouse? How did they get that car home without anyone noticing? Did they pay the car off or does the recipient now have an expensive car payment? This is stressing me out.
10. The other commercials are about Santa working undercover in a bunch of menial jobs. They usually end with a child noticing and Santa shushing them so they don’t blow his cover. You’re wearing a nametag that says “Santa”, so I don’t think it’s really that big of a secret.
11. Christmas music isn’t terrible, but every time you have to hear a terrible pop cover of a classic Christmas song, an angel loses his wings and is forced to drive an Uber in Heaven.
12. Please stop making everyone watch the parades. No one wants to see dated bands lip-sync on the back of a flatbed trailer being pulled through the snow.
13. Someone in your family is going to attempt to buy you clothes, but they’ll be 6 sizes too big and they won’t have the receipt, so by the time you get it back to Kohl’s it will have been on clearance and you’ll get $1.19 store credit.
14. One of your siblings or cousins is going to bring a new boyfriend or girlfriend over for Christmas and they’re going to be the worst. Plus, your sibling is going to try and act mature, but it’ll just come off creepy and weird.
15. Someone is going to invite you to an ugly Christmas sweater party and they’ll think it’s the most original and hilarious idea in the world.
16. Every TV network is going to make their own cheap Christmas movie called something like “I’ll Be ROME For Christmas” about a woman who can’t find love, until a magic lamp transports a Roman soldier into the 21st century and she finds herself falling in love with him.
17. There is a 100% chance of you gaining weight while you’re off for Christmas. I hope you’ve got sweatpants in your stockings because none of your other jeans are going to fit if you keep eating fudge like that.
18. You end up having to text “You too!” back to dozens of people who send out mass holiday texts, but you’ll get a few from numbers you don’t have in your phone so you’ll have to decide if you should ignore it or ask who it is. They’ll be upset you deleted their number and now you’ve got a whole situation to deal with.
19. “A Christmas Story” plays on a continuous loop for 24 hours, which means you’re going to have to watch that awful movie with your relatives who howl at the same corny lines they’ve been howling at for years. Stop lying to yourself and admit that movie is terrible.
20. By the time it’s over you’ll want to take a break and relax, but now you have to clean up, take down the decorations, then drive home because you have to work on Monday. Merry Christmas!
