Photo: John Rensten (Getty).
Have you ever looked around the room and suddenly had the shocking revelation that you’re actually drunk but didn’t realize it? Some choose to accept their fates and embrace their drunkenness, but others will refuse to admit it until they wake up spooning with a vomit-laced toilet. To help you in your alcohol-soaked adventures, here are 12 signs to be on the lookout for to know when you’ve hit that sneaky little drunken level.
12 Signs You’re Drunk
1. You suddenly understand why rappers make it rain.
For some reason the first thing you stop worrying about is money. You’ll buy shots for people you barely know, as long as they drink it with you. Your drink order usually starts with you scanning the cheap bottles then declaring, “You know what…” and ordering a ridiculously overpriced drink because “you work hard and you deserve it!”
2. The burrito you just paid $2 for is the most delicious thing you’ve ever tasted.
Whatever diet you thought you were on is no longer a priority in your life. Usually this meal takes place while squatting on the sidewalk in front of a food truck that barely passed health inspections. Even if there are things in it that you always pick off, it doesn’t matter on this night because right now the only thing that matter in this world is this burrito traveling down to your stomach.
Photo: jeremyiswild (Getty)
3. There is no such thing as a plain order of fries anymore.
A nice, convenient snack when you’re drinking is an order of fries. But suddenly you don’t want a simple order of fries. Not when there are additional toppings you can bring into the equation. You start with cheese, then bring in some chili, a little sour cream, bacon, jalapenos, and eventually your simple plate of fries has turned into a $27 bucket of carnival foods with a potato lining on the bottom.
4. You start having really strong opinions on things that you’ve never cared about in your life.
Even if you aren’t being argumentative, you feel the need to contribute to every conversation despite knowing nothing about the topic. The problem is that halfway through your speech you completely forget what you’re talking about and just start staring out the window. Usually it ends with, “Look, you know what I’m saying.” No one knows what you’re saying.
Photo: Hill Street Studios LLC (Getty)
5. You look down at your phone and realize you just sent texts, but don’t recall sending them.
If you suddenly feel the need to text your college roommate you haven’t spoken to in 8 years just to say hey, it’s time to admit you’re a little more than tipsy. You think you’re playing it cool and sending coherent, sensible texts, but in reality you just sent, “Haaar peach man?” to Cheryl in accounting at 3:30am.
6. You just realized you love Pitbull’s music.
Even if you’re the biggest music snob in the world, you’ll suddenly develop a devoted and untamed passion for terrible music as long as it’s playing loudly. You feel the need to tell everyone that, “this is my jam!” They’ll tell you that they know because you’ve already said that six times, but you’ll forget and scream it in their faces a few more times before it’s over. One of the clearest signs you’re drunk and biggest reasons for shame the morning after.
Photo: laflor (Getty)
7. You start every sentence by saying, “Listen, listen, listen, for real, listen, OK seriously, listen.”
No one else is speaking, but once you’ve given yourself the platform you keep thinking of YouTube videos people have sent you and you keep interrupting yourself with short outburst of laughter. Instead of acknowledging it, you try to compose yourself and insist to everyone that you’re now focused. In reality, you’ve wandered so far from the point you were trying to make that you might as well just show them the cat video you’re laughing and then sit back down and eat your fries. You might even think about this article and signs you’re drunk.
Clear Signs You’re Drunk: You Made Martinis
8. Suddenly, not a female in the room is out of your league.
Maybe you’re a shy guy that normally doesn’t feel comfortable approaching women in a bar or club. That is no longer a concern for you. It doesn’t matter if she’s still wearing her wedding dress and slow dancing with her new husband, you feel like you definitely have a shot. You can barely make eye contact with these women and your words are mostly replaced with shrugs and nods. If they do shoot you down your exit is usually made by moonwalking back to your table.
Photo: DjelicS (Getty)
9. Normally you don’t dance, but you just realized you’re the greatest dancer that ever lived.
You have no regard to the fact that your cardio is terrible and your body is going to be sore for the next three days, you’re going to attempt the worm. You think everyone is gathered around because you’re nailing every move, but they’re just waiting for the inevitable fall/vomit so they can put it on the internet. You’re not this hero.
10. You start planning elaborate and intimate trips or events with casual acquaintances.
Your co-worker brought her new boyfriend, who you’ve never met and will probably never see again, but by the time the night is over you’ve realized this guy really gets you so you’ve planned spending the holidays together, going on a road trip and attending an outdoor music festival, then starting a small business with him on the side. Your catch phrase will become, “This is the best idea ever!”
Photo: Image Source (Getty)
11. You’ve misplaced something that would normally be very difficult to lose.
It’s easy to forget a scarf or maybe a hat, but somehow you’re wandering from booth to booth casually asking strangers if they happen to have seen your socks. It’s one of the most concrete signs you’re drunk. How did you misplace your socks, but you’re still wearing shoes? Unfortunately, this mystery will probably never be solved.
12. You suddenly realize how much you love everyone in the room and really feel the need to let them know.
In addition to the 36 times you stopped everyone’s conversation to let them know how much they mean to you and how much you love them, you’ll also pull each person aside to individually tell them how much you treasure their friendship. You’ll probably say something really offensive without realizing it in the process of declaring your love. Something like, “I don’t care if you always have breath that smells like an open sewer, you’re my friend and I don’t judge you.” This is when another friend will step in with a glass of water and insist you drink it. When they start bringing you water, that’s the final sign that you’ve gone far enough. Your drinking is done and you’ll probably be sending a few apology texts in the morning.
