You’re doing it wrong, honey. Way wrong.
According to KJRH, a Tulsa man woke up early Thursday morning to perhaps the worst thing imaginable: his angry girlfriend trying to bite off his beef whistle.
Police said Amber Ellis and her boyfriend were out drinking Wednesday night, and sometime during their walk home, the two began arguing about “how needy Ellis had become.” The argument carried over into the couple’s apartment, and Ellis eventually made her way to the bedroom and slammed the door behind her.
At that point, the dude made the responsible decision by crashing on the couch, and that’s where he woke up a short while later to Ellis chowing on his pork sword. He was briefly able to fight her off, but Ellis still managed to smash his head in with a laptop computer.
Luckily, the man was able to get to the hospital, where he received “several stitches to the base of his penis.” Meanwhile, Ellis was arrested and charged with maiming and assault with a dangerous weapon.
It was unclear, however, which was being considered the dangerous weapon — the laptop or her chompers.
