Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
One day son, all this will be yours *gestures towards massive student loan debt and a shitty car*
– NOT A METH LAB (@jenlaw_11) March 11, 2015
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage SCARECROW: Give me a brain ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
– pat tobin (@tastefactory) March 9, 2015
Dr. Pepper might be a woman and you should be ashamed that you’ve never considered that until this very moment.
– Bill Dixon (@BillDixonish) March 15, 2015
Nice 4 o’clock shadow! “Uh, dude, it’s a 5 o’clock shadow” Whatever man, I don’t get daylight savings “Please stop touching my face”
– Terry F (@daemonic3) November 2, 2014
What did u do last night? Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey Don’t u mean sorrows? Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
– Sharking Shark (@AbrasiveGhost) February 6, 2015
Subway’s promoting a new sandwich as if they have control. Your ingredients lay freely before me. I pull the strings here.
– Dan Clyne (@danCLYNE) March 13, 2015
DOC: We think you may have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are? ME: Can’t say I do DOC: That’s one of the symptoms, yes.
– Jazmasta (@jazmasta) March 15, 2015
.@cnn That’s. Uh. That’s Brazil. pic.twitter.com/eruhgo2Tkr
– bitter spice (@goldengateblond) March 2, 2015
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
– Oblivia (@aveuaskew) May 18, 2014
*walks prom date to door* I had a lovely time tonight -Me too Would you like to come inside? -Of course I would. This is my house too, mom.
– Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) March 13, 2015
Top ten words I don’t understand: 1.) Fleek 2.) 10
– Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) March 3, 2015
The year is 2025. The most popular baby name for both boys & girls is Baeden
– Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) March 5, 2015
*Dogs on coffee break* Dog 1: Heard a great joke. Dog 2: Oh yeah? Dog 1: Knock kn- *Dog 2 goes fuckin’ nuts*
– Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) March 10, 2015
I must stop exaggeratedly narrating my life. He typed, his strong arms flexing as he steadied the laptop against the rocking of his yacht.
– Ben (@0point5twins) March 9, 2015
*gains 60 pounds* I’m fine
– moody monday (@mdob11) March 13, 2015
If your crush doesn’t text back, don’t worry. They’re probably just in the middle of something, like reading your texts out loud to friends.
– Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) March 13, 2015
A bar is just a place to hang out until you can go home and take your pants off.
– Ally Bear (@missmayn) March 11, 2015
…had him arrested pic.twitter.com/Igcxzuy2qY
– Dan gagliardi (@asimplemachine) February 24, 2015
Nodding my head like yeah/moving my hips like yeah/selling my plasma like yeah/because I made a series of poor financial decisions like yeah
– Jeffrey Hadz (@Hadzilla) March 4, 2015
My wife does this sex move where she asks for my opinion on something over and over ’til my reply matches what she’s already decided.
– Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) February 27, 2015
More funny tweets can be found right here.
