Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
“I’m not lonely, I’m doing great” she said, taking the karaoke microphone to do both parts of “I’ve Had the Time of My Life”.
— Claire Downs (@clairecdowns) September 1, 2015
If you wanted to take a selfie in prehistoric times you had to find a cave wall & go crazy with some berry juices
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 12, 2015
If your rice accidentally gets wet, you can dry it out overnight by placing it in a bowl of cellphones.
— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) September 3, 2015
Age 15: someday I’m going to own a Ferrari Age 20: maybe I’ll get a BMW someday Age 25: I hope someone in a Mercedes hits me in a crosswalk
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) September 9, 2015
My novel is full of symbolism. For example, the protagonist crashing a remote control plane into his genitals represents the time I did that
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) September 3, 2015
When you angrily shake your finger at me it helps me to imagine that sad, angry finger at a happier time when it was a part of a jazz hand
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) September 8, 2015
Places a guy on a unicycle is not going: 1) To get laid. 2) To make a bank deposit. 3) Heaven.
— Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) March 12, 2015
Apple introduces the iMe. You just sit in a room and think on your own.
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) September 9, 2015
I got to ride the subway at rush hour yesterday and loved it: it was like getting dry-humped in a greasy sewer rocket
— Musky Lozenge™ (@LostCatDog) September 11, 2015
Mostly I resent that FanDuel isn’t a place where men in their forties can settle sports arguments with swords.
— Ryan Nanni (@celebrityhottub) September 14, 2015
usually if u see a dude post a pic w 2 girls, he’s basically being like, “here’s TWO girls who BOTH didn’t have sex w me”
— BRANDON WARDELL (@BRANDONWARDELL) September 13, 2015
One time I did one of those “Who Should You Date?” Facebook quizzes and I got my own dad.
— Anna Lore (@anna_train) September 8, 2015
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
— village fetish (@botandy) September 11, 2015
someone wake up dan bailey pic.twitter.com/smc6ADk9Xd
— Lana Berry (@Lana) September 14, 2015
This isn’t my first rodeo, it’s the last one ever SUMMON MEGABULL
— Shawn (@CakeThrottle) September 7, 2015
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 8, 2015
*2 lobsters in Hawaiian shirts arrive at Red Lobster* Oh shit I thought Lobsterfest was something else, we have to leave right now Doug
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) September 7, 2015
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 8, 2015
I am literally the only person at this job fair with a falcon perched on my arm.
— BERT (@beermanboobs) June 10, 2015
Dating in LA is like a choose your own adventure book where the ending is always “oh, so that’s why they’re single”
— Brett Ryland (@brettryland) September 11, 2015
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
