Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) October 11, 2015
*slowly presses Werther’s original into your hand and forces your fingers closed around it* Shhhh, shh shh shhhh…I’m your grandpa now.
— Spooky Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) November 2, 2014
bae: my parents aren’t home. let me know when your coming over 😉 me: *you’re
— Brett Ryland (@brettryland) October 8, 2015
Wait… how does Supergirl pierce her ears? pic.twitter.com/IxfbanQsQI
— Jeff Loveness (@JeffLoveness) October 9, 2015
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
— maura quint (@behindyourback) February 5, 2015
“Your word is blessed.” Teen: Can you use it in a sentence, please? “Bob felt blessed to have won the game.” Teen: Blessed. Hashtag-B-L-
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) October 9, 2015
If I had a nickel for every time I got drunk and acted the fool in public, I’d have three [remembers nephew’s baptism].. four nickels
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) October 8, 2015
I’m afraid to go to the farmer’s market what if I see some hippie in expert mode holding a bunch of radishes up to the light
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) October 10, 2015
Sneak peek at Dr. Ben Carson’s latest book: pic.twitter.com/tEZyZ0vNzE
— stefan (@boring_as_heck) October 10, 2015
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping? Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
— Eyeball Kid (@aka_fatman) October 4, 2015
Eli Manning, better QB than speaker https://t.co/z2EdSW30Ne
— Ian Kenyon (@IanKenyonNFL) October 12, 2015
GIRLFRIEND: why’d u send me all those photos of mashed potatoes last night ME: … those were my nudes
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) October 1, 2015
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) October 3, 2015
All those socks sitting in your drawer, wondering if this is the day that you’ll place them on your hand, so that they may finally speak.
— ibid (@ibid78) October 3, 2015
Hahaha my stupid car thought the door was a jar. I laughed so hard that I fell into traffic because the door wasn’t all the way shut.
— Christopher Hudspeth (@CEHudspeth) January 16, 2015
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) October 7, 2015
[in ambulance] “Can you describe the snake that bit you?” Yes it was like an angry rope
— bea_ker (@bea_ker) November 29, 2014
Remember how we all made fun of AOL for being a crummy closed Internet with chatrooms and bad games and then we all joined Facebook
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) October 9, 2015
Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no
— Online Hippo (@NicestHippo) March 28, 2015
person: bye, see you soon me, following them and frantically shaking a calendar: when exactly
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) October 10, 2015
“Grandpa what was it like before emojis?” Well, we used words called adjectives “That doesn’t seem very ” No, it was not very at all
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 29, 2015
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
