Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
lady gaga was more relatable when she was wearing meat because I can’t afford versace but I can usually afford meat
— Spencer Niemetz (@SPENCERcNIEMETZ) January 29, 2015
Aladdin: I can show you the world.
Jasmine: *pushes Aladdin off magic carpet, travels the world, gets a cool job/apartment, writes a book*
— Bree Essrig (@BreeEssrig) September 22, 2015
Interviewer: what are your strengths?
Me: covering up my fat with a snapchat caption, being late, stalking pretty girls on social media
— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) January 30, 2016
There’s no uncreepy way to eat alone in your car.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) May 24, 2015
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
— JAY [ham] KAY (@NurseMurderer) March 10, 2013
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it and I deserve better.
— Andrew Michaan (@AndrewMichaan) January 14, 2016
who the HELL decided that guys get soft little shorts as underwear and girls get decorative bungee cords
— bad cat (@kittaveli) January 12, 2016
Found out where my taco went. pic.twitter.com/LLRdl1bFHQ
— ghost mom (@radtoria) January 29, 2016
If you run into someone you know and they say “we should hang out sometime” just say “I’m ready to hang out right now” and watch them panic
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) January 24, 2016
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
— Ste(ph)en (@stephenjmolloy) January 27, 2016
My new startup identifies urban foragers and aggressively provides them with microloans.
(I’m throwing pennies at the rats in my alley)
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) January 9, 2015
ah okay. good thing i read the description of this youtube video. thought for a second xxdragonblade96 owned the rights to eleanor rigby
— rob whisman (@robwhisman) January 20, 2016
We’re gathered here today to celebrate the life of a great man &, due to a scheduling error, also hold a darts tournament in the back corner
— Barndog (@BarndogKarck) July 2, 2014
BOY: I wish more girls liked video games
GIRL: I like video games
BOY: no you don’t. fuck you. what’s the length of Mario’s inseam.
— Albro (@bromanconsul) January 21, 2016
#FeelTheBern pic.twitter.com/kIOR7QA3pg
— confirmedcuck (@KaylinJonesy) January 29, 2016
self checkout?! gotta check items out myself?!! self checkout what’s next??! what’s next do i get a job?!! do i get a job and support myself
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) January 29, 2015
police also found a small bag of weed weighing 95 lbs. Some would call it a large bag but to me, the coolest reporter alive, its no big deal
— Mike F (@animaldrumss) February 12, 2014
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) January 15, 2016
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) January 9, 2016
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
— It’s Abby. Yep (@abbycohenwl) February 15, 2015
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
