Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets compiled for your viewing pleasure. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 12-9-16:
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-— The Pan-Midwesterner (@panmidwest) August 1, 2016
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
— flan swanson (@johnbiehl) June 12, 2015
.@realDonaldTrump can you please get rid of this excessive government regulation pic.twitter.com/dFw4gnRTYc
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) December 3, 2016
Welcome to my rustic wedding, eat these twigs bitch
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) December 4, 2016
yoooooooo the boys took the hat off one of their Mario plush dolls no wonder he never takes his hat off pic.twitter.com/t6bOghehQp
— Shea Serrano (@SheaSerrano) December 4, 2016
Today during a meeting I forgot the word for “word” and just called it a “meaning fulcrum” and we all fell into a semantic black hole.
— Pete Mandik (@petemandik) February 4, 2016
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]— jomny sun (@jonnysun) February 28, 2016
I refuse to dumb down my tweets for popular appeal.
*uses “breasts” instead of “boobs”*
— Merry Fitzmas (@UnFitz) December 8, 2016
I’m failing 3 classes pic.twitter.com/9RmWU6FAr3
— The Dogfather (@matt___nelson) November 30, 2016
being a girl is dope cause writing a text to a boy requires 2+ girls & multiple other girls to approve it & then you get a 3 word response.
— fif (@fiorela4193) December 5, 2016
mom: eat! kids r starving in africa
baby: and wat have u done to help
mom:
baby: ppl r dying while u offer nothing but rhetoric
mom: wtf
— Ricky Montgomery (@rohmontgomery) November 22, 2016
if ur ever feeling lonely just remember that tom from myspace created an entire social network and made himself everyone’s friend by default
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) December 7, 2016
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg— Dan (@ehdannyboy) December 16, 2014
Never forget that every day presents the unique opportunity to make the same mistakes with new people.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 1, 2016
I’ve gotten 27194892 matches on tinder since making this my photo pic.twitter.com/lgc5CrYUoe
— Aaron Chewning (@AaronChewning) December 3, 2016
[zoo]
Tour Guide: this is a one-humped camel
Me: if it has one hump it should be a canel
Tour Guide: how did you get back in here— fro vo ho (@fro_vo) December 2, 2016
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
— Howard Mittelmark (@HMittelmark) February 22, 2015
Too bad Penn State didn’t make the playoff. If it’s making you guys feel bad, just pretend it’s a horrible sex crime and ignore it.
— stefan heck (@boring_as_heck) December 4, 2016
It’s called conjugating a verb into the wrong tense, maybe you’ve hear of it
— Frigged up Shark (@AbrasiveGhost) December 2, 2016
HER:I love Tolstoy’s take on the human moral struggle
ME:*Trying to impress* See I prefer Tolstoyee 3 where Woody was in the trash compactor— Abam Droud (@AdamBroud) February 26, 2016
