Photos: Buena Vista Pictures
Our childhoods were sugar coated and lovingly wrapped by Disney classics that celebrated our blossoming hormones, prepubescent awkwardness, and first adult thoughts of girls. We all know the importance of the Gordon Bombays of the world and what films like The Mighty Ducks did for us then, but do they stand the test of time? After 25 years of being inundated with Fulton slap shots, unpredictable knuckle pucks, and Connie Moreau’s budding bosoms, we’re taking a moment to reevaluate our favorite fictional sports team after several years out in the “real world” and realize some hidden lessons therein now that we’re such mature adults.
Come along as we revisit pee-wee hockey’s biggest underdog that would somehow manage to become the winner of an Olympic-level competition then somehow struggle to compete in high school. Does it all make sense? Barely. But after a few years of real-life adulting, we’re about to find out. How do you feel The Mighty Ducks and its sequels stand now in your life? Are you triple-deking your way through life, or do you still just get the Goldberg farts in public? What is the message this movie gives us in the end? Well, you might not like it, sports fans. It has to do with the perks of drunk driving.
‘The Mighty Ducks’ Movies Have a Few Hidden Lessons for Us We Didn’t Realize Until Now
Now we bet you’re wondering: Is ‘Batman & Robin’ the Worst Blockbuster of the Past 20 Years?
Mighty Ducks
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Everyone Gets One
Photo: YouTube
Yes, Charlie was awful in the first film, yet got to win the championship despite his team's complete disapproval in him taking the shot, but somehow he was captain of the team by the end of the trilogy. The best part, though, is that in the second film, he gets assigned as a coach because they had too many players. That's basically like being the water boy. It's only the Olympics, no big deal, I'll sit this one out.
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Bros Before Hoes, Unless It's A Bro's Mom
Charlie was arguably one of the worst players on the team. The kid could barely skate, yet when it came down to the championship penalty shot, who does Bombay give the shot to? Why, the son of the woman he's trying to bang, of course. Screw the game, if you can get laid.
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Anybody Who Wakes You Up Early Is Getting Called A Bad Name
We're not sure which is sadder: waking someone up from their cozy slumber with an abrupt duck whistle or playing hockey alone in your driveway. Adam Banks was old enough to drive when they shot that movie. No wonder they called him Cake Eater. That's basically the best racial slur toward a skinny, white boy anyone can think of.
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What Goes Up Must Come Down
Anyone notice that the completely incapable pee-wee squad that ended winning in the first film went on to win the Olympic Jr. Goodwill Games, only to return for anticlimactic butt kicking from some kids in their high school? Makes sense. And, of course, they win us over with the asshole coach by giving him a handicap daughter. How can you hate that? Cheap shot!
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Face Your Deepest Fears
As adults, we all know what it's like to attempt a lofty feat only to come down on our face in front of everyone. Nothing beats dusting yourself off and trying again. Like, for instance, if you're deathly terrified of flying hockey pucks, clearly you should be the goalie for your country.
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"Mother Dicks" Always Lose
We saw (spoiler alert!) Abraham get his nuts handed to him by Negan on The Walking Dead, but if you remember back to the final "Ducks" movie, he was also a hard ass who ended up getting his butt kicked in the end. All this to say: Don't be such a dick.
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The Future Of "SNL" Is Meh
Photo: Buena Vista Pictures
Is it a coincidence that, had we known about Russ Tyler eventually joining Saturday Night Live, we would've begged for a lot more knuckle pucks and a lot fewer "What's Up With That." SNL has truly become a pile of garbage compared to its heyday.
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Do Not Quack At People
The times have never been scarier, my friends, and the temptation to quack at others, be it your principal, boss or girlfriend, has never been stronger. We urge you to take a note from this chalkboard and not quack. Although, quacking is much better than resorting to violence. Yeah, no, forget what we said. Just quack at people from now on when it feels right.
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Nobody's Getting Laid By The Sewers
If you recall the roundup of the Ducks in the start of the second film, Gey was "this close" to getting somewhere with Connie. Dude, you're 16, most people have lost their virginity years ago by this point. Don't be such a puss! What would our fearless President think of that?
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Moral Of The Story?
When it comes down to it, you can summarize The Mighty Ducks up with one solid point...
