Header Photo: Bethany Clarke (Getty) / Reticent Turnip (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 3-10-17
Nooooo!!!pic.twitter.com/vVzxeQ0J6f
— Legends (@LegendsofCH) March 3, 2017
You know it’s pretty bad when your hairdresser asks you if she can take a before and after picture.
— ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ(s) (@3sunzzz) February 15, 2017
*sees red lobster commercial*
oh shit that looks good
*goes to red lobster*
what the absolute hell happened in here— great, person (@hippieswordfish) February 13, 2016
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
— Shawn (@online_shawn) August 2, 2014
If you don’t say ‘haha’ after everything you write, will they even know you’re easygoing and breezy?
— Angie B (@angibangie) May 11, 2016
Every picture of the E.T. from the Universal Studios ride looks like he’s destroying you in a rap battle pic.twitter.com/sk8MvLcTzk
— Daniel “Kibblesmith” (@kibblesmith) October 20, 2016
ok i hacked into mike pence’s email pic.twitter.com/zJHpwKVGGj
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) March 3, 2017
NASA: “So we’ve found 7 new planets”
Pluto: pic.twitter.com/z5mNgF658H— gabby (@gabriellejwhite) February 23, 2017
Amazingly, this sentence contains all letters of the alphabet djkquvwxz
— Reticent Turnip (@ReticentTurnip) July 28, 2016
A trailer in a movie theater ended with “November 20th” and a guy loudly said, “thats my birthday” and a random guy said “happy birthday”
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) September 19, 2015
Get Out (2017) pic.twitter.com/PSsJcJ9fFE
— Heir Push (@Pusha_TeeWat) February 28, 2017
WEB DESIGNER: (wakes up in lava) Wh…why am I in hell?
SATAN: You know
WD: Was it the autopl—
SATAN: It was the fucking autoplay videos, dude— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) March 5, 2017
— Buster Nuttington IV (@exitingcorpse) March 5, 2017
This guy’s irony level must be incredible pic.twitter.com/is5dIgiIEF
— Tudley (@Ulillillysses) July 10, 2016
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
— Frisky Zisky (@OrangeFact) November 7, 2016
i can’t stand these socialists shoving their beliefs in my face like this pic.twitter.com/4zj1P4sh7h
— Giuseppe Lamborghini (@eminemobama) March 3, 2017
When Al Davis heard John Ross ran a 4.22 pic.twitter.com/aiBhdN73Wp
— Barstool Sports (@barstoolsports) March 4, 2017
I’ll never know fear like a hamster being held by a 3yo.
— krismuscookie (@krismuscookie) February 14, 2016
Purebread dogs vs. inbread dogs pic.twitter.com/e1nC0d7EkR
— Yael (@elle91) February 22, 2017
Feet outside the blankets is okay, but hanging your feet over the side of the bed is how you get dragged into the Underworld.
— Amy (@MsFoxIfUrNasty) April 9, 2016
