Photo: Columbia Pictures
Dating is tough, no doubt about that. Getting the first to the second is even harder. There’s plenty of time between the two to remember his bad breath, her lower back hair and the general fact that dating is fucking horrific. But we do it anyways since, apparently, our happiness is dependent on others.
We teamed up with the lovely folks at DrEd, who specialize in surveying both men and women from all over the world about their love lives, inadequacy and probably a bit about erectile dysfunction. We did a piece on why relationships fall apart with another coming up on why people fake orgasms, but the great mystery on reasons why second dates don’t happen in general will get you real educated.
Join us as we break down 10 of the most reliable reasons why your first dates don’t turn into second dates based on surveys of real life humans. Here’s a free spoiler for you: If you’re grabbing her boobs in the first three hours of knowing her, there’s a good chance you won’t be grabbing them again. Happy hunting, hornballs.
Top 10 Reliable Reasons Why Second Dates Don’t Happen
And another thing: Men Say the Darndest Things: A Survey of Our Favorite Females’ Horror Stories With Men Trying to Get Their Attention
Second Date
-
Frisky on the First Date
Whether it's a botched boob grab, failed dirty talk or just too much too fast, getting frisky on the first date has a very fine line down the middle of it. According to our research, less than half of women are inclined for a second date if they kiss on the first. Not surprisingly, more than half of men are into it. If you're having sex on a first date, guys, the odds are not in your favor that you'll see her again so you better make it count!
-
Shitting at Her Place Too Early
Hey, when you got to go, you've got to go. Just be smart enough to go before, if possible. Don't take her for a spicy dinner if you have irritable bowels. Save the spice for later, much later.
-
Failing to Show Interest or Be Interesting
The 'I could not care less' face is never a pleasant one on the first date. Talking too much about yourself and not seeming interested in what the other person has going on is key ingredient of a nonexistent second date. However, we understand the importance of packaging yourself perfectly on a first date, as first impressions are huge. That's why you can open doors for yourself by literally opening doors for her while she tells you about her shit day and her shitty cat.
-
The Follow-Up (Or Lack Thereof)
Whether you're texting the moment you leave the first date or calling five days later drunk at 2 a.m., you're setting yourself up for a bad follow-up experience. No matter how good the first meeting went, there won't be a second if you don't exert some self-control mixed with some self-respect and a splash of thoughtfulness. Just don't fax her a photo of your ween on the eve of your first date.
-
Bad Breath, Bad Kisser
Women remember a scent, whether it's the one you leave on her pillow or the bad taste you put in her mouth after stuffing your face with shrimp cocktail. Bring a fucking mint.
-
Talking Politics & Religion
White supremacy may be a hot issue but despite its trendiness, it would be wise to avoid the heavy, debatable topics early on. Most of us dislike him, so let's just agree on that now and move on. Talk about your day! Just don't talk marriage.
-
Location, Location, Location
Restaurants and coffee shops are surveyed to be the most successfully memorable dates, whereas sports arenas and going to the other person's place for a first date are the worst. Lunch is definitely a light, no pressure, hopefully alcohol-free scenario, but going to the game at night you're probably going to get a lot of face paint and bleacher vomit. As for looking for love in the wrong places, be wary of going out with friends, friends of friends and your grandmother's friends. And for Christ's sake, steer clear of fast food for everyone's benefit.
-
Multitasking the First Date
You have to give each other your full attention, or it simply won't work. You can't be watching the game, ordering hot wings and remembering her hopes and dreams to be a young veterinarian/stripper. And she can't do her nails, watch Sex & The City and remember how much you hate chick flicks. Full attention.
-
Chivalry & Tardiness
Our studies show that checking out other people, treating the wait staff like shit, making bad jokes, talking about your ex, looking at your phone and showing up late are all bad for future date potential. Who knew?
-
SPLITTING THE CHECK
It's the biggest failed misconception of any first date: thinking you can split the check and see her again. If you go out on a first date, and the woman picks up the check, not only will you never see her again, but you'll likely be a trending meme by sunrise.
