I have no idea what the Art Of Elysium Event is, but apparently it’s pretty popular because the 3rd Annual Art Of Elysium Event was this weekend. I just want to know who is responsible for sending out the invitations for this thing, because apparently he’s read my penis’ diary.
Minka Kelly is reportedly engaged to New York Yankees’ shortstop Derek Jeter, so not only does she have bad taste, she’s probably asked a doctor about “future outbreaks”.
Katy Perry showed up with her boyfriend, Russell Brand, and I really hope he remembered to leave the Hefty Cinch Sak of cocaine he brought in his car. Based on these pictures, he probably wouldn’t have enough left to share with everybody else.
I would bang Olivia Wilde in the middle of a Chuck E. Cheese, so the fact that she wears tight dresses is kind of a plus. She could wear a jean skirt, Jellies, and a propeller hat and the first time we had sex would still involve me crying and apologizing.
Sometimes Amber Heard looks hot and sometimes she looks like a transvestite, so it’s hard to reconcile the feelings I have for her. I’m not sure if I should go down on her or ask her if she thinks Darelle Revis is the key to the Jets’ attacking defense.
Camille Bell scored big when she was the only one who showed up in a dress designed by Me! Me! Everybody Look At Me!!
Rachel Bilson isn’t really all that hot and she’s also flat-chested, so she’s only on here because pageviews are important to me. Wait, did I say pageviews? I meant representing all types of beauty so you, the reader, can start an open dialogue about the media’s manipulation of young women’s impressionable minds by forcing them to strive for an unattainable level of beauty. Yeah, that.
I have yet to see anything in Hollywood more freakin cute and adorable than Sophia Bush. She’s like a koala holding the Snuggle Fresh teddy bear on a seesaw. You know, except with a way more accommodating vagina.
Minka-Kelly--3rd-Annual-Art-Of-Elysium-Heaven-Gala
Nine Would-Be Blockbusters That Were Seriously Underrated
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Jupiter Ascending
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 25%
Budget: $176 million
Domestic Gross: $47.3 million
Released on Blu-ray just recently, Wachowski Starship's Jupiter Ascending is one of the most visually ambitious and narratively classical sci-fi films of the last decade. It is an enormous space opera that looks and feels like the cover of an old sci-fi pulp novel come to life. It contains a flying dog man, a race of people who bathe in human DNA to stay young, floating space orgies, nightmarish future bureaucracies, giant lizard men, a scenery-chewing Eddie Redmayne, fastidious robots... the works. Critics complained that the story was too simple, and audiences seemed to laugh derisively at the ambition of a giant movie that didn't include a Marvel character. It bombed enormously. It didn't deserve to. This is a striking, daring, and exciting movie that should not be ignored. Buy the Blu-ray and enjoy it, because it's immensely enjoyable.
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John Carter
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 51%
Budget: $250 million
Domestic Gross: $73 million
Based on the classic pulp novels by Edgar Rice Burroughs, John Carter followed a military captain who was unexpectedly transported to Mars, where he became a key player in a war between two Martian factions. The film was enormous and expansive, just as its gigantic budget would imply. The John Carter novels aren't exactly a well-known pop property, though, typically only known by fans of old-timey adventure books. Maybe that, and a vague ad campaign, drove people away from this perfectly decent movie. John Carter has some exciting action set pieces, excellent special effects, and a slew of weird characters to root for. The success of their superhero films was, luckily, enough for Disney to recoup their giant losses on this one.
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Edge of Tomorrow, Oblivion and Jack Reacher
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 90%, 54%, and 62%
Budgets: $178 million, $120 million, and $60 million
Domestic Grosses: $100 million, $89 million, and $80 million
Tom Cruise has always been very careful about what kinds of movies he stars in. He likes to produce his own movies, and typically has some sort of control over the film's content. In a weird way, Cruise is an underground auteur, even though he never directs. Three of his recent movies were all rather good, but were either underrated by critics, or underseen by audiences, or both. Edge of Tomorrow was praised endlessly by critics, but audiences still stayed away. Oblivion is a creative and ambitious post-apocalyptic sci-fi movie with a fun twist ending. Jack Reacher was only moderately praised by critics, and isn't talked about enough. At least the latter film was successful enough to warrant a sequel. The other two are worth seeing immediately. Edge of Tomorrow (frustratingly retitled Live, Die, Repeat), in fact, was one of the best films of 2012.
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Chappie
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 31%
Budget: $49 million
Domestic Gross: $31.5 million
Neill Blomkamp's Chappie is, I admit, a gigantic mess of a movie. It's a high-octane, super-sloppy mash-up of RoboCop and Short Circuit, featuring a sentient robot that thinks like a child, but who is trained to behave like a street tough by the ultra-filthy, super-baffling South African pop duo Die Antwoord. If you take it as a robot film, Chappie covers no new ground. But if you look at it as a vanity project from Die Antwoord and the South African tourism board, it becomes something excitingly strange. Given the opportunity to make any sort of film about themselves, Die Antwoord chose be homeless criminals (living in a disused nuclear power plant festooned with penis paintings) who raise a robot together. This is just bonkers enough to be fun.
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Pacific Rim
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 72%
Budget: $190 million
Domestic gross: $100 million
Guillermo Del Toro is a beloved cult figure thanks to movies like Hellboy and Pan's Labyrinth. His passionate following, however, wasn't enough to drum up huge numbers (either critically or financially) for Pacific Rim, his love letter to kaiju films of old. Pacific Rim is an ambitious sci-fi flick about a future where giant Godzilla-like monsters are constantly attacking Earth, and the army of human giant-robot pilots that have to fight them off. Although the film is far too long and narratively clunky, there is certainly a geeky little boy enthusiasm from the director that's kind of infectious. This one has a growing following, so it may yet gain its recognition, and a sequel is on its way due to its financial success abroad. We admire this film enough to host a screening of it. (See Pacific Rim at The Nuart theater on July 10th, 2015, as sponsored by The B-Movies Podcast.)
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White House Down
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 51%
Budget: $150 million
Domestic Gross: $73 million
The Die Hard of Die Hard ripoffs, Roland Emmerich's White House Down is one of the most exciting, wonderful, pleasing action films to come out of the decade. It's an old-fashioned type of actioner that essentially takes a very familiar hostage/terrorist scenario, and sets it in the White House. The chases and escapes are first rate, and the film is undercut (and greatly aided) by an ineffable bright silliness that seems to be lacking from the bulk of dully self-serious shoot-'em-ups. White House Down behaves the way an action movie ought to, with fun characters, a lot of jokes, and a crisp, excellent pace. This is first-rate filmmaking. Yet audiences seem to prefer the hugely inferior Olympus Has Fallen as the better of the bad-guys-storm-the-White-House movies from that year. This is the better one. See it immediately.
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Tomorrowland
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 49%
Budget: $190 million
Domestic Gross: $64 million
To be honest, I was one of the 51% of critics who did not like Brad Bird's Tomorrowland. I found it to be preachy and I was uncomfortable with the vaguely fascistic message that seemed to lurk under the surface. I'm still going to list it as an underrated film, however, because there is a way to look at it as a sci-fi classic. This is a movie that is, at least on its surface, about optimism about the future and how technology can make the world better. Not just better, but Heaven-like. It's loaded with piles of retro-cool special effects, including ray guns, rocket ships, and bizarre steampunk elements (there is a secret about The Eiffel Tower I would dare not reveal). Just because I didn't like it doesn't mean there aren't small children (and some critics, like CraveOnline's own William Bibbiani) who will dig the positivity.
Summer 2015 TV Preview
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Dark Matter
Network: Syfy
Series Premiere: 6/12/15
Remember when Syfy had the best genre series on television? Joseph Mallozzi and Paul Mullie do, and they’re making their return to the network after their long stints on Stargate SG-1 and Stargate Universe.
Dark Matter is based on the comic book created by Mallozzi and Mullie that follows the crew of the starship Raza as they awaken from stasis without any memory of who they are or why they’re in space. The only thing that is clear is that they’re dangerous to others, and perhaps to themselves as well...
The trailers for Dark Matter look very enticing and they captured a darker tone than most of Syfy’s recent original series. Hopefully the actual show can live up to that expectation.
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Killjoys
Network: Syfy
Series Premiere: 6/19/15
After years of Earth-bound shows, Syfy is debuting its second space based series of the summer with Killjoys. Hannah John-Kamen (Black Mirror), Luke Macfarlane (Brothers & Sisters) and Aaron Ashmore (Warehouse 13) co-star as a trio intergalactic bounty hunters who are stuck in the middle of a multi-planet war.
Lost Girl creator Michelle Lovretta is overseeing Killjoys in partnership with Temple Street Productions, the production company behind Orphan Black.
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True Detective
Network: HBO
Season Premiere: 6/21/15
The first season of HBO’s True Detective was the only series that came close to unseating Breaking Bad at last year’s Emmy Awards. If the second season is even half as good as the first, then HBO will have one of the best series on TV yet again.
For season 2, True Detective is bringing in an all-new cast led by Colin Farrell, Rachel McAdams, Taylor Kitsch, and Vince Vaughn in a brand new mystery from series creator Nic Pizzolatto.
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Ballers
Network: HBO
Series Premiere: 6/21/15
One of HBO’s signature traits is its ability to lure movie stars to television. Case in point, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is currently peaking as a movie star... but now he’s headlining Ballers, his own comedy series on HBO.
Johnson will play a former professional football player named Spencer Strasmore who reinvents himself as a mentor for current and former football players. Johnson displayed amazing comic timing even back when he was a full time wrestler for the WWE.
On this series, Johnson will get to play off a talented cast that includes Rob Corrdry, Omar Benson Miller, John David Washington, Donovan Carter, Troy Garity, Jazmyn Simon, and Arielle Kebbel.
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The Brink
Network: HBO
Series Premiere: 6/21/15
Neither Jack Black nor Tim Robbins are the movie stars that they used to be, but they could be in for a HBO fueled career revival.
The Brink is a new dark comedy series about a potential doomsday scenario as Secretary of State Walter Larson (Robbins), Foreign Service officer Alex Talbot (Black), and other characters become stuck dealing with a crisis in Pakistan that may have disturbing implications for the fate of the world.
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Mr. Robot
Network: USA
Series Premiere: 6/24/15
USA is looking for a little harder edge with Mr. Robot, its newest drama series. The pilot episode was previewed on CraveOnline and other outlets earlier this month, but the gist of it is that a highly skilled programmer (and part-time cyber vigilante) named Elliot (Rami Malek) is recruited to take down his own corporate employers by Mr. Robot (Christian Slater), an underground hacker and anarchist.
This isn’t The Matrix, but there are men in black who follow Elliot around and make him question his sanity. No matter which way Elliot falls, he’s heading into danger.
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Falling Skies
Network: TNT
Season Premiere: 6/28/15
Season 4 of Falling Skies was a bad joke that nearly ruined the series. Personally, I blame the writers for making the aliens into cliche sci-fi villains (complete with monologuing!) and for squandering any goodwill that Falling Skies still had left after the three seasons.
There’s a great premise in Falling Skies that’s been buried under a ton of crap. The fifth season will be the end of the road for this show. Hopefully Falling Skies can recapture what made it good in the first place.
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Humans
Network: AMC
Series Premiere: 6/28/15
The horror genre has worked out pretty well for AMC with The Walking Dead and its upcoming prequel series. Humans marks AMC’s first real sci-fi show, which is based on the Swedish TV series Real Humans.
Humans takes place in a world where androids are commonly held gadgets called Synths. Every family of means has a Synth of their own to act as a robotic butler. But some of the Synths are developing very humanlike traits. That means it probably won’t be long before some of the Synths start to rebel against their human masters.
William Hurt headlines the cast of Humans, which includes Colin Morgan, Katherine Parkinson, Gemma Chan, Emily Berrington, Rebecca Front, Tom Goodman-Hill, and Danny Webb.
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Scream
Network: MTV
Series Premiere: 6/30/15
Speaking of horror on TV, Scream is heading to MTV as a new weekly series filled with beautiful, nubile teens who will inevitably be endangered and killed by the new Ghost Face.
None of the cast members from the four Scream movies will be returning, but Wes Craven is on board as a producer alongside series creator, Jill Blotevogel; who actually has experience with one of the last TV slasher shows, Harper’s Island.
Teen Wolf proved that MTV can do genre drama, so in theory, this could work out nicely.
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The Strain
Network: FX
Season Premiere: 7/12/15
While HBO was busy killing vampires with campiness in True Blood’s final season, FX made the vamps scary again in The Strain. Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan’s adaptation of their novel series depicted New York City’s slow fall into the vampire apocalypse.
For season 2, Eph (Corey Stoll), Nora (Mia Maestro) and their surviving allies attempt to use science to battle the Master and his vampire horde. And if they can’t find a cure, then they’ll settle for a bioweapon...
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Strike Back
Network: Cinemax
Season Premiere: 7/31/15
This summer is the end of the road for Strike Back. Series stars Philip Winchester and Sullivan Stapleton both landed new dramas on NBC after they finished filming the last season of Strike Back. But first, their characters Scott and Stonebridge have ten more episodes to kick ass on a global scale.
This year, the guys are joined by guest stars Michelle Yeoh, Max Besseley, Tim Mcinnerny, Dustin Clare, and more as Scott and Stonebridge race around the world to put down another terrorist plot.
Strike Back is just the best damn action show on TV. Enjoy it while you can.
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Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp
Network: Netflix
Series Premiere: 7/31/15
File this under “I can’t believe this actually exists.”
Wet Hot American Summer was a cult comedy film back in 2001 that had a cast who went on to become big stars. 14 years later, the entire cast — including Amy Poehler, Bradley Cooper, Paul Rudd, H. Jon Benjamin, Elizabeth Banks, and more — agreed to return for a prequel series on Netflix set before the feature film.
This time, the cast will be joined by Jon Hamm, Kristin Wiig, Chris Pine, and other famous faces over the course of eight half-hour episodes. This is madness! But I’ll take it.
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Fear The Walking Dead
Network: AMC
Series Premiere: August
It was inevitable that AMC would spin a show out of The Walking Dead. Robert Kirkman’s zombie epic is one of the most popular series on television. Fear The Walking Dead has a lot to live up to.
Fear The Walking Dead actually takes place at the very beginning of the zombie apocalypse as Los Angeles and civilization itself begin to unravel in the face of an unrelenting terror. Kim Dickens and Cliff Curtis headline this series as Madison and Travis, a couple who attempt to keep their family alive.
But this is still The Walking Dead, so expect plenty of main character deaths even in the shortened, 6 episode first season.
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Blunt Talk
Network: Starz
Series Premiere: 8/22/15
Aside from his voiceover work in American Dad, Patrick Stewart hasn’t headlined a TV series since the end of Star Trek: The Next Generation 21 years ago!
But now Stewart is reteaming with American Dad creator Seth MacFarlane and Bored to Death creator Jonathan Ames for Blunt Talk, a new comedy series on STARZ. Stewart is set to play the title character, Walter Blunt; a former British TV reporter who moves to Los Angeles to host his own talk show.
Stewart is an actor’s actor who can make almost anything good. If MacFarlane and Ames give Stewart enough to work with, this could be the first breakout comedy for STARZ.
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Continuum
Network: Syfy
Season Premiere: ?
Continuum is a criminally underrated Canadian sci-fi drama that stars Rachel Nichols as Kiera Cameron, a cop from the future who becomes stuck in the present with radical terrorists from her time.
This show actually had Kiera’s worldview evolve to the point where she is actively fighting against the 1% dominated timeline that she comes from. Continuum narrowly avoided cancellation after its third season, but it will only have a 6 episode fourth season to wrap everything up.
You should binge Continuum on Netflix to catch up to the present season. It’s worth it.
