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For most Americans, coffee is lifeblood. It drives them to achieve their dreams or at least get through their Thursday morning hangover. But when it comes to coffee, what you drink is as important as why you drink it (to keep you from giving up completely, duh). Since your coffee order defines you, you should at least know what that means. Especially since there’s still time for you to stop being that asshole with the super obnoxious order. (Unless that’s you, but we super hope it isn’t.)
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So, how you take your cup of joe? Let us know which of these drinks describes you best!
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Coffee Personality
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Espresso Shot
Espresso drinkers do not mess around. They want what they want and they wanted it 15 minutes ago, so seriously, what's taking so long? They have no need for a fancy drink because they have better things to do like fuck or fight. They're particularly cool people and will steal your woman every time.
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Americano
Americano drinkers are cheap and bitter, just like their gross watered-down espresso drink. Get rid of that chip on your shoulder and just drink coffee like the rest of us poor people.
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Cold Brew
When you need the power and you need it now, you choose cold brew. There's never going to be enough caffeine for how much work a cold brew drinker has to get done. These coffee drinkers have a Type-A personality and are exceptionally boring except in what they would do to win.
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Latte With An Extra Shot
To be fair, latte drinkers are grown children who simply want to drink coffee-flavored milk. However, those bold enough to add extra shots are only using the milk to line their stomach so they can drink more espresso. Why so much espresso, you ask? To focus on destroying the lives of the people who've gotten in their goddamn way, obviously.
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Cappuccino
People who drink cappuccinos are vapid frauds, kind of like their drink: all foam and no substance. But they're ordering this since it's fewer calories than a latte so they probably have got a great ass and a six-pack.
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Cortado
These people are blowhards who've only moved up the corporate ladder thanks to being related to someone important. Even if they're nice people who work "hard," they've never worked hard enough to not have time to look up what the hell a cortado is like the rest of us plebians.
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Frappuccino
The dreaded Frappuccino drinker is emotionally 14-years-old. Instead of just getting coffee, they're getting a cup of sugar to drink in their car while they whine about their non-relationship on speakerphone. They'll enjoy hell with their friends who have the crazy long drink order.
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That Order That Takes 15 Minutes To Explain
First of all: why?! Why do these people put both baristas and other customers through the hassle of a 15-step order? Ugh. They're truly obnoxious, that's why! If you have to order something wild like, "A Trenta iced coffee, add 12 pumps sugar-free vanilla, 12 pumps sugar-free hazelnut, 12 pumps sugar-free caramel, 5 pumps skinny mocha, with a splash of soy, and double-blended ice," make it at home.
All that to say these people are just the worst. They haven't grasped of the concept of the value of other people's time, which makes it all the more maddening that they've figured out how to consistently get their way. 1/10 Do. Not. Want.
