Have you ever surfed through the internet and found yourself becoming increasingly envious of the trolls that dwell in it? No? Well you should. Imagine a world where your opinions are so ill-informed and detached from reality that nothing, not even logic and reasoning, will stand in your way of promoting them. Imagine a world where you step into a room with the intention of annoying every single human being inside of it, allowing nothing to stand in your way. Forget fast cars and loose women, THIS is the American Dream.
Unfortunately, you’re far too intelligent and civilized for this kind of stubborn obliviousness to come naturally to you. Thankfully I’ve compiled a beginner’s guide on how to be a troll and to help you on your journey to becoming That Guy Who Everyone Hates. Good luck and, in the words of the infamous Flaccid Shortbread, “Keep Trollin’, Trollin’, Trollin’, Trollin’”
What Is an Internet Troll?
An Internet troll, or simply troll in Internet slang, is someone who posts controversial, inflammatory, irrelevant or off-topic messages in an online community, such as an online discussion forum or social media, with the primary intent of provoking other users into an emotional response or to generally disrupt normal on-topic discussion.
How to be a Troll – The Ultimate Trolling Guide
1: Be as Off-Topic as Possible.
Click onto a debate concerning the debt ceiling and comment saying that the Playstation 4 is “for fags”. Visit a Doctor Who forum and start a race war. Watch a video by Dr Sarah Homely promoting the Aid for Orphaned Kittens Charity and comment saying that you “Don’t give a sh*t” about the cats, but that you’d “love to see HER pussy”.
Whatever you do, just make sure that what you type will in no way help further progress the topic of conversation, and not only will it anger everyone to the point where you receive several all-caps responses urging you to shoot yourself, it will also make their IQ drop a couple of point just by reading it.
2: FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP
A functioning member of society takes a break by going outside, grabbing a sandwich and reading the newspaper. A troll takes a break by visiting a dodgy porn site and violently masturbating over a hooker giving a dwarf a footjob.
If you’re going to want to be a successful troll, you must eat, sleep and breathe troll. This means that you should play with yourself so often that within a week nothing comes out but dust.
3: Take Great Pride in Miniscule Accomplishments
“FIRST!”
“SECOND!”
“THIRD!”
“SEVENTEENTH!”
To the average human being, clicking on a YouTube video and finding yourself one of the first ones to view it is about as big an achievement as blinking. To the troll, however, it is of great importance that you make it known that you were there and before them and, as a result, a superior human being.
If you find yourself lucky enough to be within the first 20 views of a video, make sure that you quickly comment stating your numerical position. Unfortunately, the chances are that while you are busy typing “FOURTH!!!!” another, more successful troll has beaten you to the punch and you now look positively ridiculous. This is the point where you take a break from trolling and commence with masturbating to the aforementioned dwarf porn.
4: Have an Encyclopaedic Knowledge of Old Meme’s
If there’s one thing that is more frustrating than trolls, it is the overuse of unfunny meme’s. Not that I can think of any actually funny meme’s off the top of my head, but there are those that are so woefully lame that their creator must’ve had a Conan O’Brien “What have I done?!” moment and threw himself headfirst out of the nearest window, due to the guilt he/she felt after inflicting such a feeble attempt at humour upon the world.
If you combine these awful meme’s with a trolls persistently annoying sensibilities, however, you have an unholy union that has the potential to TAKE OVER THE WORLD. Or, at the very least, irritate the world to the point where it writes a retaliatory comment in all-caps.
5: Have Knowledge of Absolutely Nothing Else
Someone once said (though you haven’t bothered looking up who that someone is) “why let facts get in the way of a good story?” The trolls manifesto is quite similar: “why let facts get in the way of infuriating, nocuous, hate-filled bile?”
Marching headstrong into a battle with people who know a great deal more about the subject matter than you would intimidate and embarrass a normal person. But you’re not “normal”, are you? You’re not even a person. You’re a troll. And trolls have a complete disregard for the feelings and opinions of those around them. Feel like being a bit racist today? Go ahead. Homophobic? Why not. Sexist? Well, it’d be a shame to leave anyone out.
In fact, by the end of this trolling session you’ll have angered so many citizens that it would be easier to just label you as “Peopleist”. But hey, this is the trolls way of life, baby! Tortured, insecure and lonely – just the way we like it!
Do you have more tips on how to be a troll? Let us know in the comments below!
