When you think of terrifying, creepy songs, who’s the first person that comes to mind? If you said anyone besides Michael Bolton, you’re wrong.
Most people think it’s amusing to joke about Michael Bolton, but I honestly find him to be enjoyable. He sings with passion and heart, but on one occasion, he went too far. We should have known there would be a creepy song on an album with a cover like this:
I mean, come on. That looks like a Michael Myers mask but with eyes that look a little more dead inside. Who thought it would be a good idea to zoom in until he looked like Pinhead from “Hellraiser,” minus the pins? If I woke up and saw that staring at me above my bed I would be certain that I was on my way to Hell.
I’m sure at some point you’ve listened to the album or heard it on the radio and didn’t think much about it, but there is something much more horrific at work here. I’m talking about the popular track “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You.” If you’re a little rusty on the lyrics, you can watch the video again:
Seems harmless enough, right? No. Not at all. This isn’t a song about love that’s fallen apart or a relationship that’s coming to an end. This is a song about an obsessed stalker on his way to confront his target. Let’s look at these lyrics and realize what Bolton’s really been singing to us for years.
I could hardly believe it
When I heard the news today
I had to come and get it straight from you
Well first of all, not only are they not a couple, they’re not even that good of friends. There was huge news and she told a whole bunch of people, but chose not to tell Bolton. That didn’t stop him from jumping in his Dodge Ram and flooring it over to her house to confront her. Ever heard of a phone, creep boy? Why not just make a call? She’s probably got your number blocked.
They said you were leavin’
Someone’s swept your heart away
From the look upon your face, I see it’s true
Wow. So not only is she in a new relationship that she didn’t tell him about, she’s also leaving the city. Clearly she didn’t want this psycho to find out because there’s a look of terror on her face.
Now, you may think I’m reading too much into this, but just you wait. He’s about to snap.
So tell me all about it, tell me ’bout the
plans you’re makin’
Oh wait, it seems as though he’s coming to his senses. Maybe he’s not as insane as we first thought. He seems to be OK with her leaving and even wants to hear about it. Is this a new leaf he’s turning over?
Then tell me one thing more before I go
Uh oh, wait for it…
Tell me how am I supposed to live without you
Now that I’ve been lovin’ you so long
How am I supposed to live without you
How am I supposed to carry on
When all that I’ve been livin’ for is gone
Hoooooly crap, Bolton! This girl isn’t even close enough friends with you to tell you she’s moving and you’re talking about killing yourself over her? And what’s all this talk about loving her for so long? You guys aren’t together and clearly you’ve never told her about this, you creep. How are you supposed to live without her? Hmm, how about you keep doing it the same way you’ve been doing it EVERY OTHER DAY OF YOUR LIFE. Maybe don’t make your life about the dream of dating a girl that isn’t interested in you, Ponytail. Let’s jump to the next verse and hope you’re not yelling these lyrics with a gun to your head.
I didn’t come here for cryin’
Didn’t come here to break down
Uh, it’s a little late for that one, pal. I think the breakdown part happened when you said you can’t live without this lady. What if her boyfriend comes home right now and sees you weeping in the middle of their condo? He’s going to beat you with a bat and call the police.
It’s just a dream of mine is coming to an end
And how can I blame you
When I build my world around
The hope that one day we’d be so much
more than friends
You are an insane person. Authorities should be on their way to escort you out of this home and do a psychological evaluation.
And I don’t wanna know the price I’m
gonna pay for dreaming
When even now it’s more than I can take
Michael, are you getting ready to hurt this poor lady?
After this, he screams out the chorus a few more times while I’m assuming holding a knife to his own throat. If your significant other or a potential love interest ever put this song on a mixtape or dedicated it to you, run for your life. This is not an anthem of love, but the cries of a troubled individual making one last desperate attempt to force their delusion upon someone that barely considers them a friend. Take your curly, beautiful locks and get out of my Discman, Michael Bolton. You’re a creep and a menace to the world.
