I know that Tom Brady is more athletic, better-looking and way more successful than most of us could ever dream of being, but that doesn’t mean we can’t make fun of him, right? Brady does his best to remain cool and relaxed on and off the field, but I like to imagine he goes home and vents out his anger in the most uncool ways imaginable. Here are 21 things that Tom Brady has definitely done after a tough loss. (Photo credit: Jim Rogash/Getty Images)
1. As soon as he walks in the door, he kicks off his work Uggs and puts on his casual Uggs. He wants to forget all about work for the night.
2. He’ll ask for the notes and pictures from the game, but won’t accept them unless they’re in a moleskin notebook. If it’s plastic, he’ll just stare at the assistant until they walk away.
3. If he has a driver for the ride home from the game, he’ll call and make sure they have at least three different kinds of hummus in the back prepared for him. His hummus taste really just depends on his mood.
4. Just to let off a bit of steam, he’ll call his scarf guy and buy $800 in scarves. He won’t wear those, but just knowing he has them makes him feel safe.
5. On his walk from the locker room to his car, he gets really mad and throws a bottle of coconut water against a tree. It doesn’t burst and he gets even more upset.
6. Brady stares at himself in the mirror for a second and then knocks $2000 worth of hair product off the bathroom sink. There’s styling paste everywhere.
7. If he just wants to clear his head for a while he’ll turn on Coldplay and circle around his house on his Vespa for a few hours.
8. He’ll spend hours in his sketch room trying to visualize his frustrations. If the cleaning lady moved any of his chalk or brushes, he has them fired immediately.
9. If he finds a photo of himself on the Internet that hasn’t been properly photoshopped, he has the photographer banned from any future games.
10. The hotel calls him and lets him know his card will be charged for damages because he got mad and put three Uggs-shaped dents in the wall.
11. If it was a particularly tough loss, he’ll just lock himself in the basement and watch “Juno” on repeat.
12. He’s never confronted another NFL quarterback, but he does have sock puppets named after each opposing QB that he’ll have a stern talking to if they defeat him.
13. If he’s playing out of town he’ll put on a disguise and go to a Japanese restaurant to watch them make sushi. He won’t eat any, but just watching it brings him to a state of serenity.
14. Hot yoga no longer helps him calm down, so now he’s on this thing where he does yoga in a room where women are giving birth. It costs thousands of dollars but he claims it sort of helps.
15. If someone recognizes him as a football player, he’ll claim to be Drew Bledsoe and angrily flip them off.
16. He has a folder on his laptop called “Happier Times” and it’s just pictures of him posing with different baked goods at farmer’s markets. He’ll look at those and breathe deeply
17. If Brady gets really rattled, he’ll Facetime with Bill Belichik and make him watch as he practices playing “Wonderwall” on an acoustic guitar.
18. If he gets stuck in traffic he’ll call Gisele and make her put their dogs on the phone. He can only hear them breathing and panting, but he’ll carry on a full conversation and make sure they’re not disappointed in him.
19. He always checks the shoes of his drivers and if they’re not wearing Sperrys, he makes them pull over until a new driver arrives. “Only Sperry feet can transport me!” he yells.
20. Usually he’s OK to eat any type of kale, but after a loss, if the kale isn’t fresh he’ll just lie his head on the table and loudly weep until it’s been taken away.
21. If one of his receivers dropped a pass, he’ll attempt to prank call them. They always know it’s him because everyone has caller ID. He gets even more upset when they know it’s him. He still does it every time.
