Photo: Disney
Sure, I may have my fair share of gray hairs, and, yes, I may not know what a Snapchat is, and, yes of course, my weekends have dried up to cuddling with my favorite books. But goddammit, I’m not so old I can’t throw down responsibility on a Tuesday night and go see the live action remake of a Disney classic, especially when it’s Beauty and the Beast, a beautiful and enchanting Emma Watson-filled musical (honestly, did not know there’d be so many frickin’ songs). Were you hoping to see the film through the eyes of an entertainment-experienced 32-year-old man-child who sometimes lightly indulges in cannabis and forgets where he is? Well, friends, this your lucky day.
The film, starring Emma Watson as the elegant village girl and slightly outcasted bookwork, Belle, along with a bunch of other A-list celebrities (“A” standing for thick accents), was going to undoubtedly be a winner, but there were a few things I wasn’t expecting along the way. Now join me for what proved to be an awkward night at the movies where a couple hundred people let their kids stay up way too late just to drive me bat-shit crazy, as I give you the movie from my twisted, perverse point of view.
Was the parking lot full? Absolutely. Was the line to get a tiny tub of overpriced popcorn outstandingly long? Of course. But in the end, was I happy I saw the movie? Let’s just say, I give this Disney movie my highest grade: the Mandatory Movie Seal of Approval. Now enjoy some refreshingly rebooted Stockholm Syndrome, brought to you by Disney and a shit-ton of money.
A 32-Year-Old Man Gets Way Too Honest About His Trip to See ‘Beauty and the Beast’
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Beauty and Beast
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What the Hell Am I Walking Into?
Photo: via TVline.com
At this point, I'm walking into the theater with zero previews under my belt. Could this be a low-budget reenactment of my childhood? God help us if I have to sit by a bunch of crying adults.
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Stockholm Syndrome Rebooted
Photo: via teen.com
The age-old romantic theme of falling in love with the captor who enslaves you is alive and well. That's going to piss off some people wearing their "The Future of Feminist" t-shirts. We thought they might rework the story a little to tweak that antiquated idea. They didn't. Well, they changed it so Belle tricks her father and takes his place, but in the end, it's still totally creepy Stockholm Syndrome.
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"Hey Trump. How Can You Say..."
Photo: Disney
It's a bright, sunny, beautiful day for (yet another) song. Five minutes later...
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"...Climate Change Isn't Real?"
Photo: Disney
This strange blizzard a couple miles away happens to be in the next few scenes. So climate change isn't real, Mr. President? We, along with Disney, beg to differ, you evil troll. Also, how does nobody know about this huge ass fucking castle in walking distance from their tiny village?
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Is Josh Gad a Tad Gay?
Photo: Twitter
I've got a hunch here. but I sure don't remember LeFou (Josh Gad) being that effeminate in the 1992 cartoon. I suppose I didn't know what "gay" was in 1992, not that there's anything wrong with it. "A person's sexual preference is nobody's business but their own."
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Gaston Sure Is Obsessed With...
Luke Evans did a masterful job singing, dancing and being generally unlikable in the film. We all remember him quite fond of seducing Belle in the original Disney movie, but this time he was actually clearly obsessed with...
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...Gaston
Yes, himself. Half the jokes in the movie were Gaston drooling over himself. That, or LeFou drooling over him. Not a fan of him using a gun in the film, rather than a knife. That's either gangsta, or totally a pussy move.
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Anyone Else Shit Their Pants Here?
I can't be the only one, no, plenty of kids (OK, everyone) lost control of their bowels when Beast jumped out of the woods and scared the shit out of the wolves (and the actual shit out of me). Imagine the nightmares those poor kids are going to have...
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Beast Totally Thinks He's Getting Laid
Photo: Disney
New haircut and French braid? Check. Fancy new suit? Check. Private gala ball/bumpin' dance party in giant castle? Check. Charm the yellow dress off young, impressionable girl? Yup. Up until Belle runs out on Beast to save her father, he was totally thought he was going to dive into those Magnums waiting for him in the west wing.
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She's Totally Going to Screw Him, Isn't She?
Photo: Disney
This moment froze in my mind, as Belle bowed down to Beast for an extended period of time and looked up into his eyes. I've never seen porn that convincing, and for a moment I forgot the rating of this movie and believed it could be so: This girl is going to be get down with the beast, isn't she?
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Aaand, I Came
The music number everyone was waiting for (I won't spoil anything) left everyone speechless. Some assholes even clapped. Were you one of them? Ugh, you asshole.
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Bradley Cooper, Everyone
Photo: via Yahoo
So glad I missed the opening scene to buy a $5 bottle of water because the jackass in front of me at the snack counter filled three soda trays with popcorn and couldn't get his card to work. That left a surprise for me at the end: Bradley Cooper was the Prince all along!
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RIP Ewan McGregor's Wasted Beauty
Photo: via cinemablend.com
As the character turned back into their human form at the end, it depressed me that Ewan McGregor's beautiful face had gone unnoticed the whole time. I'm as straight as an arrow, but even I cannot deny the man's beauty.
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Yep, Josh Is Definitely Gay
Photo: Disney
And then there's Josh, totally gay, at the end. Knew it. Good for you, man. And good for you, Disney, for being progressive with the gay community and trying to help us forget about the whole Stockholm Syndrome thing.
