Perfectly Symmetrical Hot Blonde Feels Left Out of Victoria’s Secret Rebrand, When Will the Oppression End?

Victoria’s Secret is rebranding, and with the image overhaul, the lingerie company is killing its much beloved Angels. The corporeally perfect models of your wildest fantasies are now being replaced with a “diverse” group of VS Collective “ambassadors” like, ahem, soccer star Megan Rapinoe. (RIP our libidos.)

The rebrand didn’t come out of the blue but rather is a response to long-time criticism of the brand’s lack of diversity. Basically, if you aren’t a tall, thin, big-breasted gazelle of a woman, you don’t belong in VS’s epic, skin-baring fashion show. In 2018, the company came under fire when then-chief marketing officer Ed Razek said that using trans or plus-size models would ruin the “fantasy” the brand is known for.

While Razek clearly hasn’t seen how hot women of all sizes, shapes, and colors can be, the Victoria’s Secret rebrand isn’t exactly being welcomed with open arms – by men or women. That’s because while VS is expanding its definition of sexy, it still hasn’t gone far enough to be inclusive. The brand’s current ambassadors are all under 40 years old (save for one of them), are still on the thinner side, and all of them are able-bodied, a fact not lost on advocates for people with disabilities.

For many, the rebrand feels like a desperate move by an ever-increasingly irrelevant company that can’t keep the eyeballs even on its Angels amidst the plethora of celebrity bikini pics on Instagram and the popularity of amateur porn platforms like OnlyFans.

Whether or not the VS Collective will be able to save the sinking ship that is Victoria’s Secret remains to be seen. (Though many are guessing this is its swan song.) As for the Angels, is it wrong that we kind of feel bad for them? All they did was be their impossibly beautiful, alluring selves and because of it, they’ve been stripped of their wings, not to mention their careers. What’s a perfectly symmetrical, hot blonde girl supposed to do in this so-called woke world? Wait tables? Act? Pivot to porn? (Wait a minute…we might be onto something there…)

Farewell, Angels. We’ll see you in our (wet) dreams.

Cover Photo: Dimitrios Kambouris / Staff (Getty Images)

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