Meanwhile on OnlyFans: Models Use Lengthy, Explicit Captions to Lure New Users In (Wait, People Still Read?!)

You’re probably too young to remember this, dear Mandatory reader, but back in the day, men like your father used to say they read porn mags like Playboy “for the articles.” Everyone knew this was bullshit but out of respect for masculine pride, they pretended they could relate. Now, there’s a new kind of literary parallel to the modern universe of smut, but it comes in a surprising form – OnlyFans captions.

As reported by Mel Magazine, OnlyFans models have begun to elaborate in what used to be a one-sentence description of their videos. Some get downright romance-novel-worthy with their graphic descriptions.

Take this caption, written by user iCuckoldress and posted along with a video of the 24-year-old wife and model fingering herself.

“I called my cuck and told him to pretend to be an Uber driver,” she writes atop a video of her fingering herself. “The whole way home, I sat in the back kissing [a man she met at a bar] beside my blonde friend whilst [her cuck] sat in the front.” Then, in the second part to the caption, she describes hearing her friend getting “fucked senseless” in another room while her one-night stand “picked me up and fucked me on the shower mat. … As I lay in his arms, with no choice but to take his huge cock, my eyes started to water from the intensity. I told him that I couldn’t take it anymore, and he told me to sssssh.”

That’s quite a mouthful…and an eyeful. What surprises us, however, isn’t that there are models aspiring to be the next 50 Shades of Grey author but that any dudes on the site actually read. Do people still do that? (Apparently, yes, if you’re still with us this far into the article.) But on a porn site?

According to the models who pen these lengthy missives, their stories are what hook subscribers and entice them to, um, come back for more.

“Someone that can keep their audience intrigued with the narrative behind their posts is someone that will have success in this extremely challenging and competitive environment,” OnlyFans creator Lis Muhree told Mel Magazine.

If you say so, Miss Muhree. We suppose it takes all kinds to make the world of pornography go ‘round, but when we go to OnlyFans, it isn’t to use our brains…unless we’re storing images for the spank bank.

Cover Photo: John-Francis Bourke (Getty Images)

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