Riddick hits theaters Friday (Sept. 6) and looks set to have everyone’s favorite badass return to his monster-butt-kicking ways, as he is betrayed by the Necromongers and left for dead on a desolate planet with only some terrifyingly vicious aliens for company.
We’ll no doubt be seeing Riddick dispatch of his foes in some suitably awesome ways…I mean, could there be any cooler, more inventive way of showing everybody who’s boss than Riddick’s particularly inventive “death by teacup” removal of a human monster in The Chronicles of Riddick?
While we all can’t all be cool enough to permanently neutralize deadly threats with ordinary dinnerware, here are 10 other methods that have also worked pretty well historically.
10 Cool Ways to Kill Monsters Trying to Kill You
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1. Blow Them Up
As seen in: Jaws
While monsters have a habit of surviving military attacks and the like, the one thing they struggle with recovering from is being exploded. This is likely due to the fact that once something is exploded, it tends to cease to exist, and it must be awfully difficult to continue being a monster when you don't exist.
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2. Decapitate Them
As seen in: Every piece of fiction that contains zombies
Separating a monster's head from its body drastically reduces the number of tools it has at its disposal. After all, what is a monster without its monstrous teeth? How else is it going to chew its way through all that tough human flesh? Sure, it might be able to continue dealing some damage with its hulking arms or its clawed feet, but without eyes for it to see where it is going, it'll likely just amble about foolishly. Foolish monsters aren't scary monsters.
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3. Flamethrower
As seen in: Aliens
The success of the flamethrower is largely situational. For instance, if you are fending off a monster on a beach, or during a tropical storm, then the flamethrower will likely prove to be quite useless. Yes, it might give the monster some nasty third-degree burns that will serve to make it deeply insecure about its appearance in the future, but it will not kill it. However, if you are fending off a monster in a library, all that paper will serve as great kindling.
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4. Befriend Them
As seen in: Super 8
While this method won't kill the monsters, it may stand to stop their ravenous killing spree in a more humane way. Befriending a monster will likely prove to be a difficult task, as obstacles such as the inevitable language barrier, not to mention them wanting to eat your flesh, all stand in your way. However, if you find yourself in a position where you are standing toe-to-toe with them and you are without a weapon to defend yourself with, then what's the harm in trying to engage in a little light-hearted conversation with them? It may initially seem as though you share no common ground, but show them that video of Miley Cyrus gyrating her bottom against Robin Thicke's pelvis at the VMAs and you'll surely provoke a debate that may delay your demise.
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5. Chase Them To The Top Of A Building
As seen in: King Kong, Frankenstein
Despite being physically imposing, monsters don't tend to be the brightest of sparks, and therefore banding together an army/group of angry villagers and chasing it to the top of a building can prove to be its undoing. Of course, how you dispose of it once it's cornered at the top of said building is a much more difficult task.
In Frankenstein, the villagers used fire to burn down the windmill the monster was trapped in. In King Kong, the US army shot him down in biplanes. Unfortunately, buildings are no longer made out of wood and it's unlikely that you're a licensed pilot with your own fighter jet, so maybe you just chase the monster into the building and then lock the door. It's only a temporary solution, but it's a damn sight better than letting it wander around in the open, eating peoples' faces.
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6. Wait Until Daytime
As seen in: 30 Days of Night
For the patient among you, the best form of offense will be a good defense. The majority of monsters do not favour the daytime, whether it's because it's more difficult to hunt when everyone can plainly see them, or because they have a natural, deadly aversion to it. So rather than attempting to destroy them with the other methods mentioned in this list, you should instead just put the kettle on, sit down in front of your TV and wait until the whole thing blows over.
If by daytime, the outside world is nothing more than a post-apocalyptic wasteland, then maybe you'll feel guilty for not having done anything, but hey, at least your arms and legs will still by attached to your body.
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7. Let A Draft In
As seen in: War of the Worlds
As evidenced in the 2005 remake of War of the Worlds, our planet could actually be an inhospitable environment for any potential monstrous invaders. If that is the case, then the best chance we have of survival isn't picking up a shotgun and taking to the streets, but rather cracking open a window, letting a cold breeze in and allowing Mother Nature to do all of the hard work.
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8. Cricket Bats!
As seen in: Shaun of the Dead
The majority of us aren't going to have a firearm on our person or access to explosives when being hunted by a monster, but that doesn't mean that several household items cannot be used as weaponry. The cricket bat carried by Shaun in Shaun of the Dead proved to be very useful and, if nothing else, was the only entertaining use of a cricket bat in history.
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9. Lawnmower
As seen in: Braindead
While the aforementioned cricket bats are certainly a more wieldy household item to use than a lawnmower, for those with unresolved anger issues that they feel would be best exercised by chopping up a volatile beastly creature into tiny, bloody pieces, the lawnmower should be considered the more viable option.
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10. Take Them Out From The Inside
As seen in: Men In Black
The least practical, but arguably most fun way to kill a monster is to allow it to devour you, before blowing it up from inside its digestive system. There are obviously a number of issues with this method, the most prominent among them being the likelihood that you will die (and I can't imagine it smells very good in there, either) but in the unlikely event that you somehow manage to survive shooting your way out of a monster, it will make for one hell of a Facebook status update.
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Bonus: Gut 'Em Like a Fish
As seen in: Riddick
Now we admit, Riddick's signature kill from the new film -- slicing a rampaging beast top to bottom with what amounts to a giant X-Acto blade while sliding on his back through the monster's legs -- may not seem all that impressive on the surface. But consider -- he does it while cradling a little alien puppy thing in his other hand, boosting his degree of difficulty score. Efficient, stylish -- and Riddick is saving a puppy. Well done, you ruthless killing machine you.
