Ubisoft has today announced that they plan to open up a theme park in Malaysia by 2020, with rides, shows and other attractions based upon the publisher’s wide library of games being brought to Southeast Asia.
With that news we’re inevitably left to speculate upon what Ubisoft is going to pack into this park to make it an attractive proposition for their fans in Asia, but along with featuring rides based upon their most popular franchises, there are some other things that should be included that would make the Ubisoft Theme Park a truly authentic Ubisoft experience.
Let’s take a look at 5 ways in which the Ubisoft Theme Park would be able to live up to the reputation of the publisher:
1. It’s only 80% finished.
As fans pack themselves into the Ubisoft Theme Park on its opening day, they are shocked to discover that it is only 80% completed. Visitors fall to their deaths as carriages plummet off of unfinished rollercoasters, and 70 opinion pieces are penned by video game journalists trying to deduce exactly where Ubisoft went wrong and whether or not they’re now “as bad as EA.” Ubisoft apologize by way of free tickets to the park and everyone forgets about the controversy by the next month.
2. Microtransactions.
A ticket into the Ubisoft Theme Park would cost $60, but upon entry the park’s employees would stop you in your tracks every 10 steps in order to inform you of its other attractions, which can only be accessed if you give them more money. After you refuse, you go to wait in line for a ride before a burly security guard tells you that it is off-limits. When you ask why, he responds that it is only available to visitors who pre-purchased their tickets.
3. It looks worse than it did on the Internet.
The Ubisoft Theme Park looked great in its photos on the Internet, and while it still looks decent in person, it’s definitely not as attractive. They probably took those photographs with a really high-end camera and PhotoShopped it, you reason with yourself, before questioning whether or not you can get a refund/hit them with a class action lawsuit due to their false advertising.
4. Uplay achievements.
After going on a ride, you’re greeted by an obnoxious little man who shoves a small card into your hands. The card reads: “Your First Ride – 10U.” “What’s this?” you ask the man. “Uplay achievements,” he replies. “What do they do?” “Absolutely nothing.” He then runs off into the distance, laughing maniacally whilst forcing everyone in his path to take one of his cards. You don’t know who the man is, but you hate him and you wish he was dead.
5. Aisha Tyler is everywhere.
You’re waiting in line to get some cotton candy, when suddenly Aisha Tyler pops up from out of nowhere. “COTTON CANDY GIVES ME A LADY BONER,” she bellows. “…okay?” you awkwardly reply. “WE COULD MAKE THIS INTO A MEME,” she continues, “SHALL WE MAKE IT INTO A MEME?” Unsure of how to approach the situation, you begrudgingly agree. She takes a selfie of you and her standing together, adding the caption “THIS IS A MEME” beneath it. “Aisha, I don’t think you know what memes are…” you reply, but before you can explain any further, she is squatting down and defecating on the pavement. “What are you doing?!” you yell, horrified, but she won’t stop. “BET YOU WEREN’T EXPECTING THIS” she bellows. A crowd has now formed around her. “LOOK,” she says, pointing to Twitter on her iPhone, “UBISOFT IS TRENDING WORLDWIDE.” She looks into one of the nearby security cameras. “I DID IT, BOSS. I FINALLY DID IT.” She begins sobbing, before men in suits come and carry her away. No one ever sees or hears from her again.
