Although the film is shoddy and widely maligned, there was a salient scene in Jon Favreau’s Iron Man 2 that should have effectively undone the bulk of superhero movies in its simplicity. During the film’s action-packed climax, our two heroes – Iron Man and War Machine – are beset by a team of towering weaponized robots that can fly. Our heroes fire explosive missiles at the robots, and the robots, in turn, fire back. The robots and our heroes exchange blows. Fists fly. Eventually, the robots have our heroes surrounded. Iron Man then has a brilliant idea. He asks his compatriot to hit the deck, activates a pair of what appear to be high-power laser beams in his fists, and wheels his arms around, cutting all of the robots in half. The fight is over.
War Machine turns to Iron Man and says “Next time, lead with that.”
Warner Bros.
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For those that were paying attention, that one line of dialogue neutered the very lifeblood of all superhero movies: The Big Fight. Why, we immediately asked, did there have to be any sort of extended conflict between a team of robots and our heroes when our hero could have merely cut all of the robots in half instantly? Just whip out that laser immediately. If I recall, there was no plot conceit that prevented Iron Man from using his super laser up front. There was, Iron Man 2 cleverly and subtly pointed out, no point to the extended and noisy fight sequence other than to pad out the film and to give hundreds of jobs to hard-working SFX technicians.
We will soon have a film where Batman and Superman will fistfight. But why is Batman going to ball up his fist and slam it into Superman’s jaw? Will that do anything? Something tells me, we’re going to watch him try a few dozen times before innovating and trying something that will, you know, actually work.
Disney
Also: 11 Action Movie Sequels That Overshadowed the Original
One may notice, if one is observant, that this is the case with most fight scenes in superhero movies. They serve no story function. Fight scenes serve a miniature intermissions to a film’s plot. When you read Shakespeare’s plays, all fight sequences are encapsulated by the stage direction “[they fight].” When a superhero fight sequence breaks out, that’s all audiences can really see anymore. The fight itself is inconsequential, because at the end of the fight, no one is injured or incapacitated. When two super-powered beings fight in a movie, there are no consequences. A fist can slam into a face, but since neither the fist nor the face ever gets hurt or damaged, there is no point to such an action. Superheroes are super-strong and are, for the most part, largely invulnerable. A fistfight will not result in knocking someone unconscious. These people can’t be knocked out with a blow to the head. Punching doesn’t work.
These aren’t fights in any conventional sense. They’re just punching contests that take up time until our heroes (or villains) think of a more innovative way to incapacitate or destroy their opponent.
The following is a short list of specific superhero fights that went on for far too long before one of the superheroes miraculously remembered that they were indeed superheroes, and figured out something different. This is by no means a complete list, as you’ll find that almost every superhero fistfight is pointless.
Slideshow: Superhero Fistfights That Accomplished Nothing
Top Image: Warner Bros.
Witney Seibold is a regular contributor to Crave, and the co-host of The B-Movies Podcast. He also contributes to Legion of Leia and to Blumhouse. You can follow him on “The Twitter” at@WitneySeibold, where he is slowly losing his mind.
Pointless Superhero Fistfights
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Iron Man vs. The Hulk in 'Avengers: Age of Ultron'
Although Iron Man well knows that The Hulk can survive great blows to the head and enormous drops from great heights, he still feels that putting on a giant robot suit and fighting with him in the streets is the best way to incapacitate him. We know The Hulk can be strangled, so you would think strangling would be a priority. But no, Iron Man punches and punches. The thing that ultimately works is The Hulk sees that he was causing destruction. Of course then Iron Man punched him in the head, and the scene ended. Perhaps a punch was the solution, although I took from the scene that it was Hulk's melancholy that ended the fight. He gave up. He wasn't knocked out.
Image: Disney
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Any fight in 'The Avengers'
The fights in Avengers VI: The Avengers are more or less, functionally speaking, meet-cutes. When the three heroes first meet, they fight for a bit, all for the express purpose of... well, not overwhelming one another. No one is hurt. It's just a way to break the ice, as it were. We also learn that the mysical, spell-encrusted hammer of a literal god cannot smash through a sliver of metal.
Image: Disney
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The Hulk vs. The Abomination in 'The Incredible Hulk'
What would happen if The Hulk fought an equally powerful iteration of himself? A lot of punching, it turns out. And punching that doesn't hurt, bruise, or even remotely phase the other. Ultimately The Hulk strangled The Abomination to death with a chain. Next time, Hulk, lead with that. Keep garrotte wire handy.
Image: Universal
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Wolverine vs. Deathstrike in 'X2: X-Men United'
One would think having razor-sharp knives hidden in your hands would be a great way to do damage, and that watching two such people knife-fight would be a bloody affair. Wolverine and Deathstrike, however, both have a super-healing superpower that undoes any damage almost instantly. Sure, it hurts when they get stabbed, but they heal so quickly, stabbing does little to slow them down. Ultimately, Wolverine injects Deathstrike with liquid metal and drowns her in water.
Image: 20th Century Fox
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Thor vs. Anyone, Really
In Thor: The Dark World, Odin, the king of the Norse gods has a baffling line of dialogue. He says something along the lines of "We are not gods, and we can die." Only that's wrong. You guys are gods. You look and act like gods and you're largely indestructible. Call a spade a spade. Of course, if they did that, then they'd have to admit that going into battle against Thor is a churlish exercise for everyone. He's essentially immortal and indestructible. If he can be hurt, it would be nice to know what can actually hurt him. After 13 films in this series, we still don't know. In all of his fights, he's come out unscathed. Why would punching him do anything to him? All it's done - as seen in all his movies - is get him to break into a healthy sweat.
Image: Disney
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Superman vs. Zod in 'Man of Steel'
The superhero fight to end all superhero fights depicted Superman - invulnerable - punching General Zod - also invulnerable - across the sky. They punched each other through buildings. They punched each other into the ground. Nothing happened to either of them. At the end of the day, Superman broke Zod's neck. He didn't try to keep Zod away from the ground or take him to the moon or anything. He just punched and punched. The punches don't hurt anymore. Either take him away from Earth, or lead with the broken-neck thing.
Image: Warner Bros.
