Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school [from the back] “what about the other 65% of us?”
– Brent (@murrman5) July 21, 2014
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates: 1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow. A second nice shirt. 3. Okay, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts.
– Ristolable (@Ristolable) August 13, 2014
I love how apple assumes we have friends.
– Lauren Reeves (@laurenreeves) September 9, 2014
*clicks on hot babes bikini pic* “hold on. computer enhance” *squints* “well, hello there,” i say to the small blurry dog in the background
– 凸(¬‿¬)凸 (@PajamaBen_) September 3, 2014
MAMA Be quiet Freddie JUST KILLED A MAN As your lawyer I- PUT A GUN AGAINST HIS HEAD Just- PULLED THE TRIGGER- We plead guilty, Your Honor
– Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) May 20, 2014
Sorry for fist bumping your baby while you were breast feeding
– Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan) September 5, 2014
A good rule of thumb is never trust a person who can spell diarrhea without googling it
– Paige (@PeachCoffin) August 31, 2014
maybe if your dad was the mcrib he would have come back
– r milk (@rad_milk) April 26, 2012
*to stranger waiting in line for a hot dog* nice nice pic.twitter.com/xervN1v5HO
– adam (@burgerkrang) June 14, 2014
“It’s almost 2015, why don’t we have hoverboards yet?” he typed into a pocket-sized device that can do everything.
– tnylgn (@tnylgn) March 18, 2014
literally anything before bros
– victoria (@theblowout) July 17, 2013
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
– Mike Bianchi (@Mike_Bianchi) July 8, 2014
Jokes on you, gender pay gap, I only work 77% as hard as dudes
– Amy Spiker (@ASpiker) March 12, 2014
– demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) June 4, 2014
[spelling bee] Your word is “spider” Can you use it in a sentence? “A spider has eight eyes.” [kid smiles] Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
– Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) April 25, 2014
A good April Fools to play at your job is to just work there and work there and work there but secretly hate it the whole time and then die.
– Aaron Burdette (@AaronBurdette) April 1, 2014
If you’re new to LA, I can drive you around and show you the best parking lots to cry in.
– Molly McAleer (@molls) September 4, 2013
If you’re a soldier you can just come home you don’t have to make a viral video.
– Justin Furano (@JustinFurano) June 6, 2014
Accidentally ordered a “Robert Palmer” instead of an “Arnold Palmer” and now there’s a sullen waitress dancing behind me.
– rachel lichtman (@DJRotaryRachel) September 10, 2014
Thanks for tagging me in that photo where my face and neck look like all one thing, unified, one nation under God, indivisible
– Ahm Seventysix (@Ahm76) March 19, 2014
Even more hilarious tweets await you…
