Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
when you think about it, cannibalism is a big compliment. “oh i like you so much that I want you inside me” pretty romantic if you ask me
— Dylan (@dyldonot) June 14, 2015
Hey, I see you created a joint facebook account with your spouse. Everything ok?
— Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) June 1, 2015
Hot Sex Tip: Sex is a sin in the eyes of the Lord, our God.
— LadiesLoveCoolJames (@Fauxedo) January 18, 2015
hey people who say something took a lot of blood, sweat & tears what the hell were you doing?
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 13, 2015
“MY WIFE SENDS HER REGARDS” – fun thing I say right before I kill a spider
— Josh Hara (@yoyoha) June 13, 2015
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language. Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) March 16, 2015
Couldn’t get the attention of the dog in the car next to me at the stoplight so yes my night is ruined
— Zachary Flynn (@zacharyflynn) May 30, 2015
the only people who can afford to visit Jurassic Park are so rich that I’m ok with them being eaten by dinosaurs
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) June 14, 2015
Remember fellas, if you want to be a HERO, you need to think about HER “O.” Thanks and God bless.
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) June 11, 2015
As an Irish Catholic I was raised to believe the proper way to take a compliment is to act like you’re being shown an infected wound
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) June 8, 2015
WAITER: is pepsi ok JADEN: are any of us ok
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) June 7, 2015
sorry i can’t go on a date with you because i’m still angry about this different guy who lied to me once
— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) May 21, 2015
when u get too drunk at the club and everyone is like ummm lets get u home pic.twitter.com/bQLMVMLqTv
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) June 14, 2015
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand me: how do i access the wifi fa: im doing safety announcements me: is that lowercase
— thebearwalker (@droidbears) April 13, 2015
5-year-old daughter: Why is Mom always mad at you? Me: I don’t know how to make women happy. 5: Me: 5: Have you tried not being stupid?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 13, 2015
Why does my girlfriend get so angry when I’m only trying to make her a little angry?
— CacheTag (@CacheTastrophy) May 31, 2015
Sorry for unfollowing on Instagram but your eyebrows looked like Satan drawing the McDonalds logo.
— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) June 14, 2015
[Job interview] “So you want to be a backing rapper?” Uh-huh. Yeah. “That was great! The job’s all yours.”
— Mat (@MatCro) June 13, 2015
If moths are nocturnal then why are they attracted to light? Why not just knock about during the day instead? Dusty little idiots.
— GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) June 12, 2015
Please don’t dip your fries into a Frosty, thank you.
— Molly (@Molly_Kats) June 14, 2015
More very funny tweets can be found right here.
