Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
*strums guitar* and this next one is called I Don’t Care About Your Yoga Retreat, Sharon
— Pants (@onedumbshark) April 25, 2015
*computer unfreezes* Oh you’re done now? You’ve finished with your little hissyfit? You’re ready to behave like a reasonable machine now?
— Racing Camel (@camel_racer) July 2, 2015
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
— claudia martin (@cloudypianos) April 27, 2015
Please stop calling it “Guac” like you two pledged a sorority together your sophomore year.
— Don Nichols (@TheDairylandDon) May 5, 2015
call me old fashioned but I just drowned a woman for having the devil inside of her
— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) July 1, 2015
I’m not good at dirty talk, one time I shouted out robocop
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) July 1, 2015
[Me auditioning for a Viagra ad] Damn tinkering on this classic car makes me wanna shove my soft dick into something
— Musky Lozenge™ (@LostCatDog) April 25, 2015
frustrating. all my sarcastic “wow, this is great. nice. love this” comments have caused my enemies to follow their dreams to great success
— dante (online) (@respected_loner) July 3, 2015
My dog drank some coconut water so now I have to drive her to pilates.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) June 28, 2015
“This isn’t helpful at all” – Alien watching To Catch a Predator
— batkaren (@batkaren) May 26, 2015
Check out this screencap of some idiot on a dating app who reached out to me through the lonely void, fearing this outcome above all others.
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) June 14, 2015
We must take this country BACK to make it great again. Mill jobs for children! Full-body wool swimsuits for women! Tuberculosis for all!
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) June 29, 2015
How am i supposed to explain to my kids how minions have sex
— ev rat (@rad_milk) July 3, 2015
*shopping at Payless* “That’ll be $25.96” Ok, here is $17.53
— Prof Hinkley (@Prof_Hinkley) February 16, 2015
Am I pretty good at fishing for compliments?
— Pete Mandik (@petemandik) February 28, 2015
I’m not on Tinder. If you want to see my 5 favorite photos of myself, you’ll have to come to my funeral.
— LISA CURRY (@lisa_curry) July 2, 2015
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) January 10, 2015
Top Movies Your Boyfriend Wants to Watch: -An Idiot Saves the President -Rich Boy Hero 4 -Silent Hero Journey Boy -Fight Fight Fight -Boats
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) March 23, 2015
Olives are great if you love the taste of almost drowning in the ocean.
— Jessie (@NicCageMatch) July 10, 2015
Whenever the WiFi in your house stops working for no reason, what’s happening is that a ghost is humping the router
— Umami Skeleton (@Merman_Melville) June 25, 2015
More very funny tweets can be found right here.
