Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Minions are the Trojan Horse for Scientology.
— Jeremy Burke (@JEREMYBURKE) July 20, 2015
If Ant-Man had to take a quick poop before a job interview, he could shrink himself and do it in his car. Probably wouldn’t even smell much.
— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) July 19, 2015
drake entering his atm pin under pressure https://t.co/WQecu7mYXZ
— Desus Nice (@desusnice) July 19, 2015
When you run out of people to swipe on Tinder, your camera should turn on and force you to look at what you’ve become.
— Greg Dorris (@GregDorris) July 14, 2015
Everybody makes mistakes. For years I told people I had 2 kids cause I thought it was short for kidneys.
— blake (@Leemanish) July 18, 2015
Damn girl you an ELF. (An Elf I’d like to fuck)
— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) July 17, 2015
When the other person cancels first pic.twitter.com/6IrHanRMZT
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) July 16, 2015
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) April 23, 2015
As far as I’m concerned, America will never be able to truly move forward until Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s settle on one name
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 16, 2015
Don’t take this the wrong way, but could you breathe differently
— Molly (@Molly_Kats) July 16, 2015
denial is ordering pizza hut at least once a week for the last year and always using “guest checkout”.
— Anna Lore (@anna_train) July 16, 2015
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) March 21, 2015
P cool how the Little Mermaid left her family, sold her voice and risked her life all because she wanted the D
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) July 15, 2015
Oh, you’re a ceiling fan? Name three ceilings.
— MILTRON (@themiltron) June 10, 2015
This picture gave me hope…for the future…if they, the two great enemies, can get along and laugh…why cant we? pic.twitter.com/EZn2FhdUob
— Brendan O’Hare (@brendohare) July 14, 2015
I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening. Could you repeat what you said one more time, and make it about me?
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) July 13, 2015
maybe instead of having a bunch of ads saying you don’t have ads on your site, and you need donations instead, you could just have some ads.
— Mike F (@animaldrumss) July 13, 2015
“And then the Bears mauled Goldilocks to death and ate her, reminding us that home invasion never has a happy ending.”
— SpaceGirl Incognito (@iamspacegirl) May 20, 2015
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number. ME: *thinks for a bit* …k MAGICIAN: That is a letter. ME: omg ur right
— Me (@jesse_street) July 12, 2015
When future anthropologists sift through the layers of receipts in my purse, they will be deeply moved by how optimistically I spent money
— Gwen (@msgwenl) July 8, 2015
More very funny tweets can be found right here.
