This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets

Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.

Follow @robfee on Twitter.

Taylor Swift and Katy Perry have both slept with John Mayer so maybe the “bad blood” they share refers to hepatitis

— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) July 23, 2015

WOMAN: I do not want to have sex with you MAN: Women are so mysterious

— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) July 28, 2015

gays getting married? whats next, me marrying my dog? my dog with piercing blue eyes & a strong body? is that next? me marrying my sexy dog?

— BRANDON WARDELL (@BRANDONWARDELL) June 26, 2015

[WWE auditions] SCOUT: next HULK HOGAN: *in disguise* im hank holgun S: i know it’s u hulk H: no its not *slowly rips pants off* cousinnn

— very nice kyle (@hippieswordfish) July 29, 2015

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

— Mat (@MatCro) July 26, 2015

At parties I like to play a drinking game where I take a drink every time someone says to me “Are u ok? you look like you’re not having fun”

— Dan O’Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) July 14, 2015

The moral of Beauty and the Beast is that looks don’t matter, as long as you’re a man.

— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 27, 2015

“Baby I swear this has never happened to me before!” [I’m wedged between the bed and the nightstand]

— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) August 2, 2015

WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage? ME: I made a cloning machine. WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid. OTHER ME: Like what?

— Todd ‘Papi’ Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) July 31, 2015

Batman: Gotham City is under attack. Aquaman: IMMA SPLASH ‘EM Batman: No, Aquaman. Just stop- Aquaman: pic.twitter.com/Xn0gdcBooH

— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) August 4, 2015

[me, trying to impress someone I like] *ignores them*

— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) July 30, 2015

The best way to get over someone is to wait fifty years, then quietly die in your sleep.

— moody monday (@mdob11) August 4, 2015

my girlfriend has all these bottles of crap in the shower and i only have one damn thing! pic.twitter.com/wpvrXIuQMh

— everett (@rad_milk) August 4, 2015

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings” me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

— k e e t (@KeetPotato) June 19, 2015

“when people say different color bell peppers taste different” [doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically

— brent (@murrman5) July 29, 2015

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

— bea_ker (@bea_ker) April 1, 2015

WIFE: why is the visa bill so high? ME: remember we talked about europe this summer? W: omg— M: now we can talk in a sweet ass dune buggy

— lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) April 2, 2015