Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
*Blinks 182 times* “Wait do that again” *Blinks 182 more times* “Guys I think I just found our band name.”
— Starz (@Alanstarzinski) October 18, 2015
It’s comforting to know that if nothing else works out, you can always become an adult obsessed with Disney
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) October 3, 2015
“Can I get 2 boxes of Sudafed?” “Sorry, by law you can only buy one at a time.” “Okay then just the one box of Sudafed and these 7 guns.”
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) October 9, 2015
Not saying I’m lonely but I’m now so deep creeping someone’s instagram that if I accidentally like something I’ll be arrested on the spot
— Man Who Loves U (@SortaBad) October 18, 2015
*overwhelmed at the adult toy store* *whispering under breath* The wand chooses the wizard. The wand chooses the wizard. The wand chooses th
— ghost mom (@radtoria) March 20, 2015
we’re all orbiting a giant hot ball of fire & space gas that we frequently depict in cartoon form as wearing sunglasses
— bonetent provider (@cwhudson) December 26, 2014
.@walmart i dropped my wedding band in your bargain dvd bin and the manager carla said tough shit
— smash mouth fan (@HumanPog) January 9, 2015
You ask a FEW friends “do you believe in the devil?” and you start getting calls like “Are you okay??”
— Zack Pearlman (@ZackPearlman) October 15, 2015
I searched “sexy minion” and found this. I believe we have reached peak minion. pic.twitter.com/0JuuWUTQ44
— Maggie Levin (@MaggieLevin) July 6, 2015
Warning: Do not wear an upside down slice of bread like a little hat or I will choke you. pic.twitter.com/5soyG3pInv
— Molly Manglewood (@undeadmolly) October 10, 2015
my sister’s coworker’s son used a bunch of lego pants to spell the word ‘pants’. it looks like a different word. pic.twitter.com/JtoeFPvhCS
— miel (@mielmonster) October 5, 2015
[i walk in late for work holding a Starbucks] “Sorry boss, traffic was fine. I just hate working here and have zero respect for you”
— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) October 15, 2015
ME: I think I’m attracted to emotionally unavailable people THERAPIST: Mm hmm ME: … THERAPIST: … ME: … Did you just become sexier?
— JokerKaren (@batkaren) October 11, 2015
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change. pic.twitter.com/qPyEtfgIml
— NOT A METH LAB (@jenlaw_11) August 6, 2014
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) October 18, 2015
*purposely programs iphone fingerprint ID with thumb covered in chocolate*
— Chelsea Lockwood (@Chelsea_Elle) September 29, 2015
*releases helium-filled heart balloon* Me: You’re free now Balloon: Ima choke a bird
— Abbooooooooo (@abbycohenwl) February 15, 2015
Squirrel Hell and Dog Heaven are the same place
— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) August 7, 2015
Damn girl are you a Prius because you’re giving me no sounds or indications that you’re turned on right now
— Dustin (@DustinAHarkins) May 23, 2014
me: [literally murders you] bro its a prank. its just a prank bro are you seriously mad rn its a prank bro. bro
— a bird (@i_eat_fruit) October 16, 2015
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
