Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
This might be hard for you to hear right now, but *blows on a dog whistle*
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) October 21, 2015
I don’t know what a trap queen is but my neighborhood has a raccoon problem and I could use all the help I can get.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) October 13, 2015
My dr asked if I’m careful about showering alone since I have low BP & I’m like well I wasn’t but now I’m gonna use it as a pickup line.
— wine/trash baby (@1followernodad) October 15, 2015
Your sexy Halloween costume is “Adult Who Got Plenty of Attention as a Child, but That Still Wasn’t Enough. It Will Never Be Enough”.
— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) October 27, 2015
Lamar Odom has to be the first man in history to save his marriage by almost dying in a brothel
— Man Who Loves U (@SortaBad) October 21, 2015
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) November 11, 2014
8yo Me: *sneaks candy* 14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes* 18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol* 43yo Me: *sneaks candy* Being an adult is stupid.
— Josh Hara (@yoyoha) October 24, 2015
I just buy bananas now to watch something slowly die for a week.
— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) September 14, 2015
You’re 42; you don’t have a squad.
— $pencer (@13spencer) October 21, 2015
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) February 28, 2014
1886: We invented a car! 1903: We invented a plane! 1969: We went to the moon! … … … … … … 2015: Taco Emoji!
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) October 22, 2015
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 7, 2015
if you love something, post a photo of it online. if it doesn’t get at least 100 likes, set it free
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) October 14, 2015
Putting Trump quotes next to former presidents is my new favorite thing to do pic.twitter.com/NaQy2Yc7R5
— Ally Maynard (@missmayn) October 26, 2015
Norwegians use ‘Texas’ as slang for ‘crazy’ which makes sense because Texans use ‘bless your heart’ as slang for ‘I’m planning your murder.’
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) October 21, 2015
For Halloween I’m dressing up as my potential and getting wasted.
— maura quint (@behindyourback) October 31, 2014
If you’re a woman over 30, you can get fired for not bringing a yogurt to work
— C. (@bossy_bootz) October 19, 2015
Haven’t been to the gym in a couple months but I still got that muscle definition that the ladies love! pic.twitter.com/ctA26GpDRr
— AX KILLIN’ MASH (@mynameisntdave) October 19, 2015
100% of the people who describe their life as a “journey” have DUIs.
— Atman Thakrar (@AtmanThakrar) August 22, 2015
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
— Julian McCullough (@julezmac) October 24, 2015
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
