Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
So much of my adult life has been spent pretending I wasn’t going for a high five
— njns (@ninatreemonkey) January 20, 2016
Wish there was a way to text my dog that I’m almost home.
— Erin Gibson (@gibblertron) January 22, 2016
I hate band names that are commands: -foster the people -panic at the disco -imagine dragons -walk the moon dont fuckin tell me what to do
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) January 22, 2016
Date: I’m really into musicians. Do you play anything? Me: pic.twitter.com/HdxajdMbcq
— funky chunk boogaloo (@meatballwizard) January 17, 2016
1st baby: you make sure he’s breathing every five minutes 2nd baby: someone replaced him with a ham in the crib and you don’t even notice
— ghost mom (@radtoria) November 30, 2015
GOOD COP: how much have you had to drink? ME: about 7 beers BAD COP: DUI get on the ground! DOG COP: idk guys that’s only 1 in dog beers
— Rooster Mustache (@RoosterMustache) December 23, 2015
our “receptionist” at work hasn’t caught a football i’ve thrown at her in 6 months. poser.
— Mr. Peel (@Rlpihl) November 11, 2014
my cousin is on holiday & he told me there’s a mop at the place he’s staying that “always scares him” & sent me this pic.twitter.com/EEC1i8Lkbj
— sarah hagi (@geekylonglegs) January 19, 2016
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
— Ollie Garch (@ojedge) November 28, 2014
“I MADE MY BED CAN I GO OUT AND PLAY?” (silence) “Oh right I’m an adult I can do whatever I want. I guess I’ll go use my laptop as a plate.”
— Sam Reece (@SamanthaaaReece) June 3, 2015
[texting w/ my nana] Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis! Her: I ️ murder Me: well that’s kinda wei.. Her: I will everyone
— huntigula (@huntigula) November 4, 2015
u know how sometimes ppl say ‘i shit u not’ well what if they did. what if they shit u
— shrimp eating mammal (@walruslifestyle) March 10, 2015
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) March 20, 2015
When he come looking for you after that free drink pic.twitter.com/Cnz1pE69s4
— crysti (@itsCreyk) January 17, 2016
WIFE: I love you NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget- WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) January 21, 2016
Hey girl are you a metamorphic amphibole because you’re gonna be pic.twitter.com/A0LeuenivH
— Handsome Tweet Guy (@SortaBad) January 18, 2016
[arm wrestling] Me: you know our arms make a W like this Opponent: so? Me: *whispers* It means we’re both winners
— Rocky Momax (@rockymomax) November 26, 2015
[restaurant] WAITER: [serving pizza] It’s very hot so be caref- ME: [already wearing slice of pepperoni like a monocle] Call an ambulance
— Joe West (@joejwest) June 10, 2015
Have we considered that millennials might be so lazy because their generation doesn’t have a hit song about taking care of business?
— Jordan (@jordan_stratton) January 14, 2016
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
