Photo: jurgenfr (Getty)
It’s our favorite time of the year again: time for a good old fashioned Facebook friend cleansing. There are always new and different kinds of Facebook friends you’re safe to get rid of, but this year, we’re finding some of the people you need to cut out are very specific, yet very abundant.
What once was a fun time and great excuse to avoid work has become an overtly opinionated, meme-loving, baby-toting freak show. From the alt-right to people lost out in left field, weirdos you met once drunk, girls you failed to bang and now just quietly stalk and people who have held the same grudge with you since little league, they’re all in here in our latest un-friending on Facebook fiasco.
For those of you who sit by and watch all the terrible ethnic cleansing going on around the world, let’s take that negative and turn it into a positive by removing the negative, annoying, disgusting people who make clicking on Facebook a painful experience. Remember, Facebook was designed to keep us connected enough so we didn’t feel the need to call anymore. Let’s keep that in mind moving forward after this Facebook friend cleaning of 2017.
(Facebook image: dashek (Getty)
Time to clean house: 10 Insufferable Cities That Desperately Need To Be Purged (In A Safe And Nonviolent Manner)
Facebook Cleansing
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The Drunk Stranger You Agreed to Change the World With & Never Saw Again
You were going to open a speakeasy where you had to valet your phone at the door, then decided building your own town where cell phone use is banned was a more worthy cause. People would be fined if they were caught texting outside of repurposed phone booths. But you never heard from him again. He was probably hit by a car the second he left that bar.
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Assholes Promoting Their Shitty Art
Photo: FXX
The Internet gave us endless access to lifetimes of porn, but it also made every dipshit with an Instagram account the capacity to post talentless art. I've picked my ass and smeared it on paper, too, asshole. No one is buying your shit.
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Your 'Lost' Viewing Party
It's over, Jack, we're never going back. While we enjoyed the journey, the terrible finale was enough to make us regret everything before it.
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Married Girls You Don't Recognize by Their New Last Name
Sarah L. is how you appear in my phone because I can't remember the rest of new last name, but I still call you by your old last name and it pisses off your husband, which is great. These girls with new secret identities are most prevalent because they also fall under "Inexperienced Moms Looking for Parenting Advice From Even Less Experienced Idiots." No, Tammy, I don't know what kind of non-GMO cream you should put on his rash, but I do know I should bury you with the rest of them in my ever-expanding Facebook cemetery.
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Big Turds Still Holding Tiny Grudges
It's amazing how some people can ignore all the great things that go on just so they can hold onto the tiniest shred of shit from 2009. You're a turd, bro.
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Loud Drunk Neighbors Who Answer Facebook Messages Before the Doorbell
You love to hate them, especially when they're loud and obnoxious at 4 a.m. Hey, you're going on 40 and cocaine shouldn't be part of your nasal lexicon. You don't answer the door because you're still blasting the disco music you grew up on while you snort booger sugar off each other's sagging fake tits. I don't need to tell you to turn it the fuck down because moving far away is just easier.
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Friends Dating Your Ex-Girlfriends
Your friends said it wouldn't last, that you wouldn't have to look at it for long. But you knew that wasn't true. Now you're stuck with them for an eternity at holidays, but you don't have to live with them on your computer, too.
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Someone's Baby You've Never Met and Never Will Meet
Photo: via pics4world.com
Dude, there's so many baby photos that I don't even know whose baby it is. I'm basically just friends with this baby now. Fuck this baby I don't know and never will know.
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Family Members Who Comment on Everything
Your aunt likes to ruin your photos by commenting about the time you got caught sticking your dingy in the garden hose at the family picnic. That was three years ago, RHONDA!
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Trump Lovers and the Politically Opinionated
Photo: Getty
If you haven't already, get rid of them: the alt-right, neo-right, Trump lovers. Really, anybody who thinks they know a damn thing about politics, healthcare, tax cuts, our education system, or even has a sensible opinion about neo-nazis. Facebook wasn't created for you to air out your shitty thoughts. It was made so I could see your most recent haircut regrets (bangs, good idea!) and feel caught up enough in your life that I wouldn't feel the need to call you or visit when I'm in town.
