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The biggest sexual fantasy in the world by far is having a threesome, yet only a lucky few get to experience it. Luckily, these privileged bastards at least have the decency to share their awesome threesome stories with the internet, and we have the best of them from all corners of the web.
In most cases, these threesome stories are not instructions on how to have a threesome and as you’ll see, choosing applicable threesome positions is not the hardest thing about getting it done. It’s actually convincing two other people to have sex with you. But there is other complicated stuff too.
These threesome stories come from Facebook, Reddit, and Cosmopolitan, places where cunnilingus and erections provide for some wild tales, let alone threeways.
Crazy Threesome Story #1
I, being quite severely a lesbian, went out drinking with some friends in college, including one viciously attractive bisexual girl, with whom i’d been having a flirt-off that would blow your mind. Me and her went off alone for a bit in a college bar and we proceed to get plastered as I tried to talk her into my pants. As the night went on, she slurs an invitation back to her apartment… BUT NOT JUST TO ME. She also invited one of our mutual guy friends who was completely sober. He drives us as fast as his boner will let him to her place, and I finally realize, up in her bedroom, that I’m meant to sleep with both of them. In my drunken state, I assume I can deal with the penis… but when we’re all finally naked, I make to touch his proud soldier, and vomit pure alcohol all over the rug. Even worse, with the force of vomiting, I dug my nails do hard into his scrotum that it ripped juuuust a little bit and he shrieked like a banshee. The bi girl, while this was going on, was crying herself to sleep in the bathtub.
The guy got brought to the emergency room by Bi Girl’s roommates, I never asked exactly what happened there but I assume he had to replace his penis with cyborg junk, because he kept yelling “BITCH TORE OFF MY COCK, SHE FUCKING TORE OFF MY COCK”. Because I am a horrible human being, I pretended to not remember any of it in the morning, and even after apologizing to CyberCock he (understandably) avoided me alot.
Crazy Threesome Story #2
To be clear, I’m a girl. I was with my ex and my friend. We all agreed it’d be fun. So, we went to my exes house and watched tv for a while. I started making out with my friend while my ex felt us up. He tried to get under my friend’s clothes and she started screaming (and I shit you not) “PEE PEE TOUCHER!”. She did it jokingly, but jesus. My ex and I exchanged “wtf” looks but continued on when she stopped. He then tried again. Everything was going well. Until she went fucking weird again. He was about to finger her and she told him “It probably smells like The Great Depression down there.” He quickly began to avoid it, understandably.
We were really willing to try again but, by then my friend had gotten caught up in “Christmas With The Kranks” on TV. She “kindly” told my ex he could go ahead, as long as she could watch tv while he did it. I have no idea why she even said yes to us. She’s since moved and is with child now.
Crazy Threesome Story #3
New Year’s Eve – as we all get progressively drunker at a party at my SO’s house, this small adorable girl (acquaintance of ours) starts coming onto us, first individually and then together. We’re all drunk as hell and eventually Adorable Acquaintance and I start making out. I’m really excited, as it’s my first threesome, and my SO seems into it too although he’d previously acted a bit nervous about the prospect of group sex.
So we go upstairs, clothes come off, and all is well until Adorable Acquaintance begins to go mildly batshit crazy. I like being slapped and bitten and whatnot, but this girl was out of control. She starts screaming “I WANNA MAKE YOU CUM, GIRL!” and biting me like a piranha. I jump up, babbling about having to pee, and my SO (who hates being bitten/slapped) takes over. Perhaps thinking he has the situation under control, he pulls her on top of him. Just before I duck out the door, I see her arm cocked above her head like she’s gonna really smack a tennis serve or something. Aw shit, I’m thinking through my drunken haze, he’s going to freak out. How to escape the pain and also the inevitable extreme awkwardness?
Luckily there’s an honest-to-god orgy going on the floor below us (seriously), so when I come out of the bathroom and some wandering naked drunk dude randomly tries to make out with me, I drag him upstairs and switch him for my borderline-panicking SO. I’m not sure if AA even noticed.
Then we lock ourselves back in the bathroom downstairs and try to laugh through our horrified tears, actually end up having a really sweet loving moment (set, of course, to the soundtrack of merry drunken orgiastic revelry next door). Happy 2012!
Crazy Threesome Story #4
I was in a threesome with two guys who happened to be friends. One of them insisted I blow him while riding the other one. He pushed my head really hard into him, right as he was about to cum, which made me choke and pull away. This made all of his cum spray right onto his buddy’s face, and a bit got into his mouth. I will always wonder if their friendship survived that sperm facial.
