Couple in love holding hands while she is texting. Photo: Westend61 (Getty)
In post-modern America, a successful relationship was determined by whether or not you smacked one another when someone blurted out the answer during Wheel of Fortune. Today, with all the technology, couple are inundated with endless updating, energy-draining comments and obligatory likes. It’s no wonder micro-cheating is so hip. But you have to admit, being in a relationship seems to require certain things from you on social media, and we’re not even including the terrible task of being an Instagram boyfriend (50-photo quotas and moderate Photoshop skills required).
So, are relationships with social media stronger because of the built-in support structure? Or are they weaker because they pander to random people who judge their insta-chemistry? Finally, and most importantly, could your relationship survive without the likes of your lover? All this and more below.
#TheGoodOlDaysAreGone
Posting about your loved ones has become a cornerstone of social media. In turn, social media has quickly become a cornerstone of relationships. Don’t you miss when dating someone wasn’t a 24-hour on-alert obligation?
If you’re losing your marbles over it, you might want to take a social media break. If it’s all you know, we feel a little sorry for you. But is your relationship strong enough to remove such an integral part? Well, it better be. Otherwise, we’d hate to see you two try to function without Wi-Fi.
One-Way Bae
If your significant other is posting how proud they are of you — or even just posting about their own accomplishments — and you’re not around to like it, does that tell people your relationship is weak? An absentee Instagram boyfriend or an unsupportive gal pal might signal to people your bond isn’t that strong, kind of like when you tell people you met on Tinder and it loses all credibility.
Does it matter what others think? As long as you know your relationship, that’s all that should matter, right? Right? Are you even listening to me, or are you tweeting again? Goddammit!
Reciprocation Masturbation
You scratch my back, and then you can just keep on scratching. We all know a good backstretch is everything, but maybe only one of you has the fingernails in the relationship. If you don’t get analogies, try this: If your boyfriend isn’t matching your love online, maybe he’s making up for it in other ways. Or vice versa.
Many girlfriends might assume their boyfriend doesn’t care about them if he can’t like a simple post. Many guys might say liking just isn’t their thing. So what the hell kind of world are we living in? Should these things be hammered out in a relationship, or is it so ridiculous of a conversation you just can’t be the one to bring it up? You have to admit, it’s driving you nuts just thinking about it.
Ghost Post
Instagram posts are the new Hallmark cards, huh? Does your mother know you’re using her for likes? Yes, we’re switching up the kind of relationship when we ask about posting about people who don’t even have Instagram (ex. “I have the best mom in the world! #happymotherday”). If she’ll never see you posted this, why the hell are you doing it at all?
First of all, you can’t all have the best mothers in the world on Mother’s Day; it’s just not possible. Secondly, it sounds like it’s just for you. Some might say you’re just proud to share your mother with the world, but we all know your mom doesn’t give a shit. Bet you forgot to buy her flowers, too.
So if it’s National Sibling Day and your sibling doesn’t follow you because deep down they hate you in ways nobody else could understand, maybe send them a text instead, Hell, call them if it’s so damn important to you. You don’t need to post-ure for the people.
Mandatory Likes & Occupational Comments
It goes without saying that anything here on Mandatory should be an instant like and share, but what about when your sig-other post? It’s part of the job, isn’t it? Or is that just something the gods of Wi-Fi would have you believe? Who decided likes are the new standard for modern relationships? Is that something we do now in polite online-society? Or is everybody that needy for affection? The answer is yes.
Is A Post Worth A Thousand Breakups?
Ah, jealousy, the age-old breakup ingredient.
“So you can like someone else’s post but not mine?” — the timeless question we all love to hear.
Are you really ready to admit that your relationship is so unstable that an absentee Instagram like was the end times for you both? Or that liking someone else’s post sent you both into a jealousy spiral neither of you could stomach? What would you tell your mother? We all know she wouldn’t believe the truth, nor would she understand it.
Consciously Uncoupling
Couples who break up publicly are painful. We’re happy you’re so evolved that you cannot wish malice upon somebody you love enough to not hate, but not enough you can stand to be around them. That doesn’t mean you need to share it with all of us so we can feel like children when we get in fights over a lack of loving Instagram likes.
Under The Instagram Influence
How about half-celebrity couples? Is that something relationships can withstand — girls hurling themselves at your boyfriend? Or dick pics flying like t-shirts out of canons at your model girlfriend? In that situation, we think it best to just remove yourself (unless you’re incredibly understanding).
Supporting Someone With Racist Ambien Tweets
If this is happening to you, get out now.
Note from Ambien: “Racism is not a side effect of our drug.”
Social Media Meltdown
If you’re breaking up on social media, you should have never bothered in the first place. Even text messages are laughing at you, and those are the lowest form of human connection.
