As men, we get an inordinate amount of pleasure from out of irritating our girlfriends. I don’t know why, we just do. Maybe we’re all just inherent pranksters, or maybe we’re just trying to subconsciously sabotage our relationships in order to go back to dry-humping fat girls against bars.
Whatever the reason may be, I’ve grown pretty damn good at it. So good, in fact, that I’m going to share a few of my painstakingly crafted techniques to you, loyal CraveOnline readers, in the hopes that you may go off and be horrendously annoying boyfriends also.
Here are 4 of my favourite ways to annoy my better half…
Hide in a cupboard
A bit primitive, yes, but nothing says “I’ll be sleeping on the sofa tonight” more than sitting motionless in the wardrobe while your girlfriend searches high and low for your annoying ass. While she questions whether she’s going to have to go all Liam Neeson and start bumping off Albanian terrorists in order to find you, you’re waiting patiently for her to enter the bedroom, where you’ll jump at her like a f***ing honey badger.
After terrifying her so much that she’ll be unable to sleep for the next 2 weeks, instead staring bleakly at the ceiling in the darkness fearfully awaiting another attack, you’ll inform her that her reaction was “classic” and then proceed to mimic her reaction so much so that she’ll begin to wonder whether you’d slipped her a roofie the moment she agreed to date you.
Lock her in the same cupboard you’ve just jumped out of
“How did you even fit in there?” she asks, looking at the wardrobe you just scared seven shades of sh*t out of her from. “It’s easy”, you reply, “get in and I’ll show you”. Next thing you’re popping the curtain rail through the handles and ignoring her pleas to let her out, instead choosing to laugh maniacally whilst eating the box of chocolates she hid away that she thought you didn’t know about.
Soon, though, the laughter stops, as she’s stopped banging the wardrobe doors out of sheer exasperation and you’ve devolved into nothing more than a bloated, chocolate-smeared blob of a man. Now would be a good time to let out of the wardrobe, if you weren’t so scared that she was going to leave you after doing so.
Slap her really hard on the ass.
There’s nothing wrong with a bit of light spanking during foreplay. It’s pretty much mandatory. However, when your girlfriend is just standing in the kitchen minding her own business, and you walk up behind her and slap her backside so hard that she drops the utensils she was holding and let’s out a coyote howl, you know you’ve done your job as a man.
“You’ve made my ass go red!” she informs you, showing you a handprint across her right cheek – you know it’s wrong, but you admire your handiwork with a twinkle of joy in your eye, before looking at her left one and wondering how long you should leave it before you slap that one too.
Side note: This is the only form of strong physical contact you can make in order to annoy your girlfriend that is socially acceptable. So no head-butting.
Be extraordinarily sexist
You need to walk a fine line here to ensure that while your ironic sexism is irritating, it doesn’t come across as straight-faced, and later involve a trip to an overpaid therapist who will dissect your relationship with your Mother in order to understand your deep-rooted hatred for women.
Simply ask her to make you a drink, and if she refuses, tell her that “you women have been getting too authoritative since you were allowed to vote”. Too much? Then by all means tone it down and revert to a series of kitchen-related puns. By the time you’re done reeling off a list of the many different reasons she should make you a sandwich, your relationship will basically be the real-life equivalent of the comments section of any YouTube video featuring a female.
With that being said, I should promptly warn you that “Tits or GTFO” isn’t acceptable in any capacity.
