I don’t know why we’re so eager to get to outer space. Every sci-fi movie every made seems to think that all the other planets in the universe are just terrible. Ugly, poisonous and filled with monsters… yeah, sign me up for a one-way flight to those. Movie planets may be more likely to sustain life than real planets, but they represent the worst kind of frontier: the kind that’s more likely to kill optimistic settlers outright than offer them a new and wonderful place to live after we ruin Earth forever. Even the nicer movie planets come with their enormous share of problems.
So while Richard B. Riddick explores the adorably-named “Not Furya” in this weekend’s release of Riddick, I thought I’d give you a reminder of The Ten Crappiest Movie Planets ever put on film. Can you think of a worse place in the universe to visit? Let me know in the comments if you can Top This.
William Bibbiani is the editor of CraveOnline’s Film Channel and co-host of The B-Movies Podcast. Follow him on Twitter at @WilliamBibbiani.
The 10 Crappiest Movie Planets
It's a nice place to set a movie, but you would NOT want to live there.
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10. Coruscant, from The Star Wars Prequels (1999-2005)
Why It Sucks: Overpopulation.
Coruscant is a "city planet," so every inch of its surface looks like it was puked out of The Fifth Element. And traffic is a nightmare.
On the Other Hand: It's the richest planet in the galaxy, so Coruscant probably at least has some kick-ass restaurants.
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9. Spengo, from Mom and Dad Save the World (1992)
Why It Sucks: Intellectual inferiority.
Even the smartest person on Spengo is a confessed idiot, and no, not in the self-deprecating "Socrates" way. Plus, the man-eating mushrooms are just gross.
On the Other Hand: If Jon Lovitz can conquer it, the average human would probably end up running Spengo in a matter of days.
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8. Metaluna, from This Island Earth (1955)
Why It Sucks: Those damned Zagons.
The planet Metaluna is days away from being destroyed by their mortal enemies, and desperation has turned the local populace into needy know-it-all dickbags who steal Earth's scientists and plan to raid our uranium deposits.
On the Other Hand: Metaluna is home to the universe's most impressive matte painters. Look at that sucker!
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7. Ceti Alpha V, from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)
Why It Sucks: Barren wastelands, lousy neighbors.
Ceti Alpha V is the world where Captain James T. Kirk banished Khan Noonien Singh, unaware that Ceti Alpha VI was about to explode and render the planet desolate except for brain parasites and wrathful genetically-modified warlords.
On the Other Hand: They have must a pretty good gymnasium somewhere. There's no way Khan got those pecs by just hiding in a tin can and eating carnivorous slugs.
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6. Mars, from Every Mars Movie
Why It Sucks: Lifeless, except when it's inhabited by assholes.
Mars is Hollywood's "go-to" planet, just far enough away from earth to endanger astronauts (Robinson Crusoe on Mars, Red Planet), and just mysterious enough to be the potential home of hostile aliens (Mars Attacks, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians).
On the Other Hand: Traveling to Mars sometimes gives you superpowers and a hot new girlfriend, if John Carter is to be believed.
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5. M6-117, from Pitch Black (1999)
Why It Sucks: Orbital anomalies.
M6-117 experiences 22 years of non-stop searing sunlight, followed by a total eclipse that lasts for months and unleashes millions of man-eating flying monsters onto the surface.
On the Other Hand: Technically, M6-117 is a moon. So it has that going for it.
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4. Pandora, from Avatar (2009)
Why It Sucks: Poisonous atmosphere, selfish and xenophobic alien population.
Pandora's atmosphere is poisonous to humans, and the blue-skinned Na'Vi refuse to respond to Earth's diplomatic pleas to mine for the all-important mineral unobtainium, which the Na'Vi don't even use.
On the Other Hand: It sure is pretty, and despite their initial resistance, we can always nuke the technologically inferior inhabitants from orbit. (It's the only way to be sure).
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3. LV-426, from Alien and Aliens (1979-1986)
Why It Sucks: Uninhabitable, except for rowdy gatecrashers.
LV-426 can't sustain life, except for the alien facehuggers who pump your throat full of eggs that grow into maneating monsters. Plus, now it's been nuked from orbit. (We told you it was the only way to be sure.)
On the Other Hand: Who would want to go to LV-426 anyway? It looks like crap.
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2. LV-223, from Prometheus (2012)
Why It Sucks: Existential nightmares. [See also: LV-426]
Ridley Scott's prequel to Alien takes place on LV-223, which is ugly, uninhabitable, dull, boasts giant creepy skull statues and unsettling revelations about the nature of human existence.
On the Other Hand: If you don't touch anything - like those idiot scientists in Prometheus - LV-223 is "just" ugly, uninhabitable and dull.
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1. Earth, from Almost Every Earth Movie
Why It Sucks: The native population is violent, racist, self-destructive and wasting their natural resources.
Almost every sci-fi movie depicts the Earth of the future as a terrible place, devastated by war, famine, pestilence, genocide, scarcity, intolerance, shallowness, apathy, natural disasters and the occasional sharknado, and non-sci-fi movies don't make Earth look much better.
On the Other Hand: It's all we've got, so just try to enjoy it.
