I was recently linked to this ’10 Facts Dog Owners Should Know’ article featured on Reshareworthy, and found it to be so saccharinely sweet that I nearly vomited out of my mouth, nostrils and eye sockets. In order to restore some balance into the Universe, I set out to find a real dog to interview (or, if you’re a skeptic, I merely assumed the role of a dog myself and pretended to write this article from its perspective) and get the low-down on what Man’s Best Friend really thinks.
Here are 10 facts dog owners should know, from the dog’s point of view.
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15 Facts Dog Owners Should Know, from the Dog's Point of View
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1. I prefer your food to my food, because would you want to eat my food?
You spend a shitload of money on food for me each month but THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Why would I want to eat dried-up balls of "beef" when I could be eating sausages, or steak, or crisp packets, or tinfoi? You don't even need to put them into my food bowl - just leave them on the kitchen work surface and exit the room, and I'll do the rest.
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2. I favour barking at harmless people because you should always keep an eye on the quiet ones.
I will allow the bearded man holding a half-empty can of Super Tennants with baked bean juice splattered across his tatty vest to stroke me, because his lack of subtlety regarding his unkempt appearance leads me to believe that he has nothing to hide. However, the perfectly sane-looking, pretty lady who thinks I'm cute and wants to pet me deserves to be barked at for making such gross assumptions regarding my character. Woof.
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3. I lick my genitals with more enthusiasm when you have visitors to show that I am comfortable around them.
It is common courtesy for humanfolk to take off their shoes/coats when in someone else's home to show that they are comfortable with being in said home. However, while removing items of clothing may indicate some degree of comfort, there's nothing that says "I am relaxed in your company" more than licking your balls in front of an individual. This is why I go to town on my junk when you have visitors, not because I wish to embarrass you, but because I am letting them know that I am OK with them being in my home. Also, I like licking my balls.
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4. I demolish my expensive toys but take great care with my cheap toys because I have no concept of money.
You frequently question why I seem to destroy the expensive toys you buy for me yet barely leave a tooth mark in the cheap, old throwaway shit you give to me, and the simple answer is because I'm a dog, you idiot, and dogs don't understand the value of money.
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5. I'm so impossibly loyal to you because what else have I got?
Each and every dog owner seems to believe that they have a "special bond" with their dog, Unfortunately, what is so often misconstrued as "loyalty" between a dog and its owners could actually be more accurately described as Stockholm Syndrome. We love you because we have no one else in our lives.
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6. I don't like baths because they are a routine exercise in humiliation.
You humanfolk take great pleasure in bathing dogs, presumably because we are quite adverse to having our lovely warm fur being drenched with water and you're sadists who take great pleasure in watching us suffer. Our whimpers, growls and whatever else we may do in order to deter you from soaking us should not be misinterpreted as cowardice, but rather a futile attempt to prevent you from humiliating us. When will this madness end?
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7. My hatred of cats is due to them being inherently evil.
Dogs are the Jedi, cats are the Sith. That's how it has always been and that is how it always will be. We will continue fighting them until we can fight no longer. Woof.
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8. I am always excited to see you because I have literally nothing else going on in my day.
What do you think I do when you leave the house? Go on YouTube? Play your PS4? No, you idiot, I just sit around doing nothing. When you return home I'm not excited to see you personally, but rather I'm excited to see anyone who will break up the tedium of my day-to-day life. Don't flatter yourself.
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9. My paws are always so muddy because I don't wear shoes.
Another thing that seems to consistently confuse you humanfolk is the muddiness of our paws. Even when it's a nice, hot day, we dogs still manage to find some mud and walk it right through the house, you say. Of course, there's a very simple explanation for this - we don't wear shoes. Shoes are like another pair of feet you wear over your actual feet to prevent said actual feet from getting dirty. As we're walking around with just our four bare paws, it should be of no wonder to you that they become so muddy. Some of you have tried to put shoes on us to prevent this but, as you can see from this GIF, these attempts did not prove to be successful.
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10. I hate the postman because he brings negativity with him.
A dogs' natural hatred towards the postman seems to baffle humanfolk, but the real question is why don't you guys find him detestable? He's this guy who comes to your house and, 9 times out of 10, delivers bad news. Sure, sometimes he'll deliver a birthday card or something, but most of the time he's delivering bills, or junk mail, or some other shit that you don't need cluttering up your porch and your life. Why would you not bark at this guy?
