Heidi Klum and I were in bed (naked) this morning discussing these pictures of her with those mangled hags she was forced to pose with and I was all, “You make those other girls look ugly.” And she was all, “Dat ees not nice, Jhenny!” (Heidi has a German accent, you know, and it’s so cute!) And I was all, “…but seriously, look at Adriana Lima, she’s going to bite your neck and drink all your perfectly perfect blood, and that Ambrosio dude is totally going to steal your uterus,” to which Heidi replied, “I am so in luff with you, plees haff sex with me for another 12 kilometers.” (lol, she’s so foreign.) So I did.
Disclaimer: This article contains mentions of cannibalism and sexual abuse. Reader discretion is advised. In a recent Instagram video, Armie…
