She Just Needs Rehab, Guys

As you already found out yesterday, it pays to be white even if you aren’t rich, because Lindsay Lohan avoided jail yet again. She took a plea deal that will require her to spend 90 days in rehab and 30 days of community service. But interestingly enough, she turned down an offer of 30 days house arrest, especially when it came with the offer of free jewelry. Radar Online reports:

“Judge Dabney offered the possibility of a 30 day house arrest sentence but insisted that as part of the deal Lindsay would have to wear a SCRAM bracelet which detects any consumption of alcohol or drugs,” a source close to the situation tells Radar. “Prosecutors were absolutely stunned Lohan turned down the offer, and chose instead to go to a lock down rehab for 90 days!”

Sending Lindsay Lohan to rehab for the sixth time, is so sure to work, everybody is fully on board with this decision. Except, no they’re not. Not at all.

“I will send you to jail for six months. I will max you out, we won’t be having these conversations,” Judge Dabney vowed. Something, the source believes, will very likely happen in the near future given Lohan’s past behavior. “It’s only a matter of time, like days, until Lindsay violates the terms of the plea deal… guaranteed,” the source predicts. “Given Lindsay’s history when it comes to the judicial system and her lack of compliance, well, the day is coming when she will be headed to jail for a very, very long time.”

After writing about this chick for almost 7 years now, at some point my blinding hatred has slowly turned into pity. Her parents couldn’t have fucked her up worse if they kept her chained in the basement as a child or sold her to Roman Polanski. She has no idea how to act like an actual human being and has been told she’s perfect and great for so long, just so her parents and everyone she surrounds herself with can milk her dry, she has no concept of reality or perspective on herself. Fuck rehab, fuck jail, fuck community service. What she needs is an old black lady to adopt her.