10 Ways an Apocalypse Would Improve Your Sex Life
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You could play the numbers game.
In a pre-apocalyptic world there are too many men for women to choose from. Fortunately, after the apocalypse many men will be dead, which will significantly increase your chances of convincing the opposite sex that sleeping with you is a reasonable option. While "I'd like us to repopulate the earth together" isn't the most alluring of chat-up lines, it will probably prove to be an efficient one when she comes to the realisation that you are now one of the last remaining men on earth.
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No more small talk.
Every time a single man finds himself in a social setting, he hopes that it will culminate with him having sex with someone. Unfortunately, there are certain things that stand between him and this outcome, most notably that whole "making conversation" thing. Attempting to attract a member of the opposite sex amidst a swarm of people is a daunting prospect, especially when there's the underlying fear that she'll find you too weird or too boring and say that she's going to find her friends, before disappearing into the night and leaving you alone with just your thoughts and depressingly flaccid penis. However, in the advent of her the apocalypse, she won't have any friends to find because they'll all be dead! Yay!
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You could play the
Women love a tortured soul, and what soul is more tortured than a man who has witnessed his entire family killed in a blazing apocalyptic inferno? Time is a great healer and although you will obviously miss your parents, brothers, sisters and so on, we're sure that they would have wanted you to be happy in the event of their demise, and if happiness involves you enthusiastically humping every woman left on the face of the earth then who is anyone to judge to you?
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You could reinvent sex to suit you.
After years spent watching porn, you've come to the conclusion that sex is now not so much a pleasurable pursuit as it is a physically taxing acrobatic display. Think Cirque du Soleil only a bit weirder, porn now depicts sex as men throwing the women up into the air like juggling clubs, contorting their bodies into sexy human pretzels and performing positions with confusing names like "The President's Wife's Purse" and "The Ham Sandwich." Fortunately, the apocalypse would mean that you could put an end to this madness, and bring sex back to its roots - three and a half minutes of disinterested foreplay, followed by ten minutes of the missionary position, accompanied by a looming feeling of regret.
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You could now be described as
You've been labeled many things in your life - disappointing, sociopathic, racist - but one thing you've never never been labeled as is "fit." Surviving on a diet of carbohydrates and self-loathing, you've thus far shunned that whole 'gym' thing in favour of sinking further into alcoholism and premature heart problems. However, you managing to remain alive throughout the apocalypse means that, in the survival of the fittest, you've won. Make this known by referring to yourself as an "apex predator."
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You could become a hero.
Your life up until the apocalypse may well have been a mundane one, but now you've been afforded the opportunity to become a hero and, if there's anything we've learned from years spent dreaming of becoming Iron Man, it's that women love a hero. Try to restrain yourself from becoming the screaming, blithering wreck that you'd be inclined to be upon witnessing the decimation of your home planet and instead partake in some selfless acts of kindness, and by selfless, I actually mean incredibly selfish.
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You would become the new definition of the modern man.
If civilisation ever attempts to rebuild itself following the apocalypse, magazines will need a new man to plaster on their front covers. In the past men featured in magazines have had a tendency to be the handsome, athletic type, but much in the same way that Henry VIII's dough-ball physique was once emulated simply because he was the King of England, your 'once watched every episode of Breaking Bad in two days' physique may well get heartbeats rising when you're one of the only humans left on earth in possession of a penis.
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You could kill your competitors and no one would even have to know.
In the apocalypse, no one can hear you scream. Also, no one can hear the screams of your sexual competitors as you ruthlessly murder them in order to usurp them as a viable lover for earth's remaining women, which is handy.
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You'd be one of the best lovers in the world.
Let's face it: you struggled with sex before the apocalypse. While there were some women who seemed to enjoy your lethargic style of love-making, there were many more who were put off by your distracting 'walrus experiencing a labor contraction' sex face. Fortunately, now that all of the less selfish and more energetic men are dead, it's finally your chance to assume your role as a global lothario. Women of Earth, prepare to be deeply unsatisfied!
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You wouldn't need to worry about your appearance.
No more Abercrombie & Fitch, no more Hollister - after the apocalypse, the most attractive look a man can have will be "alive and not horrifically burnt." In a post-apocalyptic world, survival will be more of a hot topic than what jacket you're wearing, which basically means that you can wear absolutely anything as long as it is not highly flammable.
