Photo: Peter Dazeley (Getty)
It’s awful getting caught doing something humiliating, but if the person that catches you is one of your parents, it’s a nightmare that you will never escape. I’m sure we all have stories to tell, but a thread on Reddit was full of some of the most mortifying tales we’ve ever heard. Here are some of the absolute worst.
1. Closetcrazy
When I was about 9 or 10, I had just bought some Nickelodeon Gak and was quite excited about it. I played and played and played. As a rather unusual child, the remarkably brilliant idea came to put the Gak on my penis. It was gooey and satisfying. My mother walked in to see me laying on my bed with the Gak container empty and an incriminating look on my face. She asked, “The Gak is in your pants, isn’t it?” I shamefully nodded my head. She slowly closed the door and never spoke of it again.
2. Mataranka
I was watching Police Academy when I was about 8. There is a scene at a beach party where there are a few naked breasts on show. My mum walks in to catch me licking the TV screen where the bare breasts were.
3. XtortionBear
When I was about 4 or 5, a few of my cousins were over visiting and we were swimming in the pool. I always really looked up to them because they’re 8–12 years older than me and of course I wanted to emulate them. So, we’re swimming in the pool when my cousin Jonathan decides to rip a massive fart underwater. Obviously, being the kids we are, this is fucking hilarious and Nathaniel (other cousin) and I try to out-fart Jonathan.
Nathaniel farts a few times and we busted a gut laughing and now it’s my turn to save face and become ‘one of the guys’. I strain and strain and a few little toots blossom forth but nothing great. The guys are really egging me on now and I start to push harder than ever in an attempt to be cool. ‘At last!’ I thought, as my sphincter stretches apart for what I’m sure is about to be the most epic fart ever seen by my cousins.
It was shit. In the pool.
I just remember laughing so fucking hard even though my swimming shorts were housing a log of brown polonium. My cousins were in absolute hysterics. I got out of the pool, still laughing, and proceeded to tell my mother what happened. She grabbed the garden hose, turned it on full blast, and roared, ‘if you’re gonna behave like an animal then you’re gonna be cleaned like an animal!’ I was then blasted with 55°F water.
I’m 22 now and I still haven’t lived this down and I swear to Christ that this story is told at least once at every family get-together we’ve ever had since. It’s not so embarrassing now because I was so young, but I still cannot believe that I did it.
4. Spooney_Love
Back in 2004 having just returned from Iraq my wife and I celebrated by heading to Jamaica. We had the typical fun down there and headed back to our hometown to spend a week with family before heading back to Alaska where we were stationed.
On my deployment to Iraq I had gotten a fat reenlistment bonus that I spent on an over the top VoodooPC laptop. I was very excited to show off my laptop when we got to my mom’s house and I hooked it up to her TV to show my pictures from Iraq and our vacation. Well, my dumb ass hadn’t broken the pics into good vacation and bad vacation pics so here we are, my wife and her parents and my mom and I sitting around this 50+ inch big screen when all of a sudden a nice shot of my wife’s vagina pops up in 50 inch technicolor. Oh God, I panicked…started trying to click through the pics, each got progressively worse. It was about the time when my junk was in her mouth and she was looking up at me that I yanked the cable from the tv. The only sound to be heard was my deep exhale and the sobbing of my wife next to me. Yeah, my mom, being full of class brings that up every time we are in town.
5. Scarfall
A year ago, 18-year-old me was having sex with my girlfriend in my room. As I was almost finishing, my mom walks in, sees my girlfriend riding me, quickly turns her face away laughing, said sorry, and does a double take and goes, “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!” She noticed I wasn’t wearing protection (girlfriend was on the pill). My girlfriend dismounts me in panic, I get up, walk next to my mom, with the intent of pushing her out of the room, but I freeze. So here is my mom looking at me, naked with an erect penis, all of sudden, the train station calls, a full-blown orgasm shoots a home-run stream, missing her because of my penis inclination.
I freeze, and the awkward silence goes on for 10 seconds, my mom can only say “Cle-clean yourself up, you kids keep it safe, I’ll be downstairs making dinner”. She leaves the room, and I’m still frozen in place with my girlfriend sobbing.
6. Superoriginalusernam
Walked into a basketball gym for my brother’s game when I was about 3 or 4. We were among the 10 or so white people in a crowd of about 100. Upon seeing all of the African Americans, I proceeded to shout, “MOM! LOOK AT ALL THE MICHAEL JORDANS!!” We left very quickly.
7. K__a__m__i
This is a good one. One evening when my parents were out, I cracked my father’s ‘toy-box’. A locked cupboard beside the bed where he kept his porn and all the toys he used/uses with my mother (don’t even ask. It took me years to process this discovery!). Dildos, vibrators, pumps for varying body parts, anal plugs…anything! And of course the porn, which I was after.
So, when I was around 14–15 I used to open this cupboard, on a pretty regular basis, by taking off the whole upper part with various tools to avoid the front lock. My father never had a clue because I was very thorough in leaving no trace of evidence. To get to the porn underneath I had to go through the toys, so I placed them very carefully on my parents’ bed (!) in the order I got them out so I could put them back as they were. I got to the magazines eventually (carefully passing the polaroids my parents took of themselves when they were in their 20s). Immediate deal breaker once you catch a glimpse of your mom sucking ***k!) and started exercising my beloved craft. In my own room of course.
When I was done my cat was waiting for me with the usual ‘Mow-mow-food-food-let-me-out-into-the-garden’ routine. I did her bidding like a good can-opener, and distracted by this, noticed it was already time for the Simpsons. I carelessly started watching TV, completely forgetting the state i left my parents bedroom in.
An hour later my parents came home. I was still watching TV when I heard my father screaming ‘What. The. Fuck!’ from upstairs. That was the moment it dawned on me: all my parents’ dildos, vibrators, beads, photographs and tons of magazines! All accurately sorted out on their bedsheets next to the opened ‘safe’!
My mom went to see what was going on and came back laughing her ass off! I didn’t see my father that evening and I didn’t look him into the eyes the rest of the week. My mother actually offered me to ask for ‘things’ if I was ever in ‘need’ again. To this day she thinks I was using her dildos and I can’t bring myself to clear this up with my parents. So my mother might take the idea into the grave with her that her son (yes I’m male, think I should’ve mentioned this earlier) used her toys for masturbation.
8. ThatOneCattt
When I was about 12 my brothers and I used to borrow my parents’ camcorder to make terrible home films.
One night, after using the camera for day and dicking around with my siblings, for some reason I had an overwhelming urge to record myself fapping (or attempting to as the case may be…).
Lo and behold, a couple of days later Mother decides to show a family friend some videos she took of her darlings playing in school concerts and the like. Plugging in the camcorder to the VHS (or whatever, I was too young to work it out and it’s all using computers now days, fuck you), she fast-forwards through our crap films and tries to get to the concert footage. After about a minute and a half of me standing up on stage, squeaking away on my little violin the footage cut to black, only to be replaced with me violently whacking it, camera placed on the foot of my bed, making eye-contact with the camera the entire time.
No facial expressions whatsoever…
I never received a lecture about use of the camera, or replacing the tape inside it. My parents have never mentioned it to me or anyone else. All I knew then was that one day we were allowed to use the camera, and the next, we weren’t.
Now when I look back at it, I shudder…
9. DoorkMatter
Remember Squiggle Wiggle Writers? I don’t know if they’re in production anymore, but man those were awesome vibrators. Anyway, I was around 12 and I’d discovered this cool fact.
Now, I’ve always been a huge bookworm, to the point where my parents and teachers were very worried about me, and I’d usually read until very late in the evenings. My parents would come in and check on me a few times each night and tell me to go to sleep, and this one time I was awake, but not reading at all…
Being a child and panicking when I heard someone open the door to my room, I quickly hid the Wiggle Writer under my mattress, but I didn’t have the time to pull up my pajamas bottoms, so I just pull the covers up to my chin, and so my dad pokes his head in and was like: “Are you reading?” and I go: “No! Not at all!” and he came in and was like: “Give me the book.” which just made things worse, because I didn’t have any book to give, so I just hide my hands under my covers and say: “Dad. I don’t have any book.” in a panicky voice, knowing full well what is about to go down. My dad then decides to pull my covers off in one big sweeping motion, hoping to reveal this piece of literature that is keeping me up and remove it from my room.
Instead, however, he just looks down at my pajama trousers around my ankles with a goofy face and says: “Uh. What is that?” and in a despairing voice I go: “Those are my pants…”, completely stone faced. He didn’t reply, he just put the covers down and left without looking me in the eyes. I’m just hoping he didn’t see the Squiggle Wiggle Writer.
10. Quiettime
When I was 41, I went to visit my parents and had to take a shit. For some reason, when I sat on the familiar, family throne, I had the urge to jack it like a teenager. I heard a sound above and just briefly caught a glimpse of my 70+ dad’s face disappearing from the skylight he was re-sealing.
11. Rickolas
When I was about 5 or 6, I was at a friend’s house for the weekend and for some reason I got naked and jumped up and down on his parents’ bed. My friend takes this camera, which he says has no film in it and takes loads of pictures with the flash pretending it’s some weird kind of photo shoot. Seriously OHGODWHY. Anyway as it turns out, the camera DID have film in it and they didn’t realize until the dad took it to get developed and got asked some very serious questions by the cops. Yeah. Didn’t go to that friends house any more after that.
12. Spiralout154
Not my story but my friend has a pretty embarrassing story. It was about middle school and he thought he was home alone. He had just taken a shower and for some random reason had a boner. He was a really weird kid and just for the heck of it he though it would be funny to walk around with a clothes hanger dangling from his erection. As he is walking around the house like this it turns out his dad was home and walks around the corner so they are both staring at each other. His dad doesn’t say a word and all that he can get out of his mouth is, “I didn’t think anyone was home.” I don’t think they ever once discussed it.
13. Nerico5
When I was 6 years old, my mother used to babysit my neighbor Annie. Annie was a very artistic girl; she loved to color and draw everything she saw.
One day, I was playing Star Fox 64 on my Nintendo 64 and Annie was watching. Of course, being too absorbed in the game, I never turned around to see her greatest work of art.
My mom walks in the room to check on us and does a gasp to end all gasps…Annie had made a drawing of a triangular looking ship with a circle around it. It was Star Fox doing a barrel roll…
…except she made it with a load of diarrhea she scooped out of her pants.
