Photo: AAron Ontiveroz/The Denver Post (Getty).
As any bartender will contend, the drink you order says a lot about your personality–bartenders are notoriously prejudice. So let’s prejudge a bunch of drinks and slap on a personality type on each one of them. Warning: You will be offended.
Alcoholic Beverages And Their Personality Types:
Four Loko
Photo: Paul J. Richards/AFP (Getty).
You’re young and rebellious. Or, you’re a middle-aged man and you’re homeless. Four Loko should change its name to Four YOLO because it’s a beverage for people who take risks. Initially branded as an “energy beer,” Four Loko drinkers generally black out, get stark naked, and shout racial epithets from balconies. It’s primary ingredients are malt liquor and caffeine.
Boilermaker
Photo: bhofack2 (Getty).
You work on the docks. You want to get as drunk as possible to mitigate the physical pain after a long day. Or, you’re a Purdue alum. A boilermaker is a shot of whiskey thrown into a cheap glass of beer. People who drink them get their 5 o’clock shadows at 2PM and probably didn’t vote for Barack.
Lemon Drop Martini
Photo: ValentynVolkov (Getty).
You’re a lady of the evening. Not a prostitute, though—there’s a difference. You drink Lemon Drop Martinis—which are concocted of vodka, triple sec, lemon juice, and sugar—because you want to release your inhibitions and let the first cougar-hunting douchebag who talks to you give you a Lemon Drop. As the slutty sister of the Vodka Martini, the Lemon Drop Martini is the primary go-to for chicks looking to bang it out.
Jaeger Bomb
Photo: Shantel Ryks / EyeEm (Getty).
Popularized by Jersey guidos, the Jägerbomb is a collegiate staple. It’s for young people with enough energy to rub their genitals against girls in clubs until 2AM. It’s made of Red Bull and Jaegermeister. And it’s really, really good, to be honest. Old people don’t drink Jägerbombs because they’re worried of heart attacks or rubbing their genitals against someone who doesn’t want their genitals rubbed against them. They’re also known to tip like LeSean McCoy.
White Russian
Photo: Michael Marquand (Getty).
You’re a big fan of The Big Lebowski. You also like the delectable confluence of vodka, Kahlua, and cream. It tastes like spicier coffee ice cream and it warms the cockles of your heart. It’s a sweet cocktail whose drinkers tend to be sophisticated and humorous.
Busch Light
Photo: Jared C. Tilton (Getty Images for Stewart-Haas Racing).
If beers were people, Busch Light wouldn’t give a shit. Busch Light drinkers tend to live in Arkansas and play a lot of cornhole. Or, they live in an alley somewhere in the inner city with remnants of Jack in the Box glittering their crusty beards. Basically, Busch Light is for rednecks, derelicts, and bros. College kids drink it because it costs $17 for a 30-pack, and rednecks like it because it ain’t queer.
I wrote a sonnet in college about Busch Light for an English class, and I’d like to share it with you:
They do not see you, my blue little one.
Way back in the freezer you sit alone.
If I could adopt you, I’d call you son,
And raise you so well until you’re full grown.
But you’re just a beer and you’re not alive.
I cannot talk to you, though I do try.
If you ceased to exist I’d be deprived,
And then wither away, fade, and then die.
You’re like a hot dog; they just use the scraps,
But brew you so well—you’re rich to the core.
You’re so very cheap, a dollar perhaps,
But classy as pearls and far from a whore.
To quit you I’d need a lot more than a push,
But quit I shall not, I love thee my Busch.
I was 20.
O’Doul’s
Photo: Montana Pritchard/PGA of America (Getty).
Sadly, you’re liver is like Lieutenant Dan’s legs: useless. You’ve had a very tough life and now you’re living your glory days through a placebo.
Long Island Iced Tea
Photo: Dias Studio (Getty).
You seek to get plastered. Long Island Ice Teas feature all colors of the rainbow—tequila, vodka, rum, triple sec, gin, and a splash of soda. People generally drink them in tropical settings, at a college bar, or in some dingy dive somewhere on Long Island. It has nothing to do with iced tea, except ice.
Steel Reserve
Photo: CityKidsf415 (Flickr).
You’re hard, don’t take no shit, and you’re broke. Steel Reserve is the cousin of Busch Light. It tastes like garbage juice, and people who drink it feel like garbage juice on the inside. It has an 8.1% ABV. The other 91.9% seems to be the waste breweries expel into puddles next to the dumpster out back.
Hpnotiq
Photo: Prince Williams/WireImage (Getty).
You’re a time traveler from 2002. Or, you’re an aspiring rapper. The creators of Hpnotiq recently launched an advertising campaign called “#Since2001” in hopes to resurrect their brand. Call me a hater, but it’s not going to happen. The trend died because they marketed it as a trend from the start. It’s too neon blue.
Vodka Soda
Photo: unalozmen (Getty).
White girl on a diet.
Pimm’s Cup
Photo: Peter Bradshaw (Getty).
You’re an American who watches a lot of Premier League. You wish you were British, but you know deep down you never will be. So you drink hard. Your favorite movie is “Green Street Hooligans.”
Cosmopolitan
Photo: Spathis and Miller (Getty).
You saw Sex and the City 2 with your gal-pals. Coincidentally, your favorite magazine is Cosmopolitan, too. You’re 40, hate men, and you gossip like a teenage girl blitzed on Fuzzy Navels.
