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It’s been a great morning so far. You got up, made breakfast and glanced through the window at the sunny world outside with a wide smile on your face. You feel anxious to go out and absorb some of that shiny serenity when, all of a sudden, you spot a menacing white piece of paper on your desk. As you worryingly get close to it, you start to notice those puzzling words on its front – Jury Summons. You start to wonder who this person, Jury Summons, is when it finally hits you. You’re being called for jury duty. Suddenly, the day doesn’t seem as sunny and welcoming as it once was. Birds stop singing and the traffic sounds get louder as you think about the time you’ll waste in the courtroom, listening to the lawyers trying to outsmart each other. Well, because we care deeply about you and your happiness, we’ve decided to show you exactly how to get out of jury duty and save yourself the trouble. These are some bulletproof ideas.
Economic Hardships
The first way to get out of the jury duty is to prove to the judge that you’re in a dire economic situation and really need to focus on getting some dough, so you don’t have time for those silly trials. Now, for this to work, you need to choose your attire carefully. You’ll need to wear something shabby that simply screams unemployment. If you don’t have one, get a slightly ripped old-fashioned hat to complete the depressed look. It would also be great if you could find a somewhat large cardboard box and carry it around with you, so you can pretend it’s your home. Write your name on its side to prove it’s yours. If you feel like the judge isn’t buying it, you need to step up your game and get personal. Get a little bit closer and in whispery, sad manner ask him for a loan. He’s bound to let you off the hook because no one is that desperate.
Health-Challenged
Another way to try to avoid this federal formality is to pretend you’re ill and physically unable to help them out. It is the same old routine you’ve been using with your parents, your teachers, and even your boss except the stakes are a bit higher now since you could be convicted of perjury. This only means that you need to try a lot harder and deliver a performance worthy of the best method actors out there. The things you’ll need: a super-wet handkerchief that you can carelessly wave around, spreading millions of microbes; an object carefully lodged in your throat so you can cough your soul out in front of the judge and make it seem realistic; a couple of slices of onion to get those watery eyes going; and, obviously, a ridiculously large scarf to heat you up and make it seem like you’ve got a fever. If you play your cards right, you’ll be out and about in a matter of minutes.
Mentally Unstable
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Of course, being ill doesn’t always refer to your physical state. You can also pretend to be a bit off in the mind department and prove to the judge that you’re a liability. As soon as you walk into the room, give the judge a long, intense look followed by a puzzling smile. After you catch his eye, simply wave lightheartedly and say “Hey, Jimmy.” Once you’re alone with him in his quarters, tell the judge how you think the whole trial is a conspiracy as we’re all controlled by the lizard people. In case that doesn’t work, pretend you’re the judge and ask him to be your juror. After he probably declines, tell him he’ll be held in contempt of court. In case you don’t end up in jail for messing with the judge, you’re bound to be relieved of your duty and sent on your merry, mad way home.
Unrelenting
If you’ve already messed up and have to be there, your best bet is to try to get dismissed by the prosecutor or the defender. What both of them absolutely hate is a stubborn juror who simply won’t change his mind regardless of the evidence, so you need to become such a man. One good way of showing them exactly where you stand from the start is shouting out “guilty” as soon as you enter the courtroom. Pointing your finger at the defendant is also a nice touch. Ask the judge if it’s possible to vote right away because the defendant is obviously guilty. The judge might command you to be silent, but you keep looking at the defendant while slowly nodding and mouthing the word “guilty.” Any defender that isn’t blind is sure to dismiss you and you can enjoy the rest of the day in peace.
Familiar
Finally, if all else fails, we have one more amazing piece of advice for you. The idea is that the members of the jury need to be complete strangers, so if you happen to know the defendant or the prosecutor, or anyone else involved in the case, for that matter. So, try your best to find some connection to them (maybe the defendant sold you hotdogs; maybe you went to the same school; maybe your ancestor arrived together on the Mayflower). Once you’ve found your target, do your best to make contact.
“Dave! Are we still on for a couple of beers after this?”
“What? Who are you? I don’t know this man, judge.”
“Oh, because of this trial thing, right? Got you. Say no more.”
A subtle nod, possibly a wink and you’re bound to be dismissed from the jury because of your connection to the defendant. As easy as that.
We hope our little guide on how to get out of jury duty helped you out. If you have any other methods that have worked in the past and feel like sharing, please do. We promise we won’t tell anyone.
