Photo: arturkurjan (Getty)
A good man supports the beautiful woman he loves no matter what her latest obsession might be. So when she comes to you with the idea of pole dancing classes, you’ll support the shit out of that. But I’m here to tell you, I tried dating an amateur pole dancer (several, in fact) and it’s not as great as you might imagine.
But you have to try. She supports you spending your entire Sunday (actually, fall) watching football so you can play in a fantasy league with your friends (try saying that last part out loud without feeling too ashamed to call yourself a man).
In the long run, it might pay off, and you’ll essentially be dating an untarnished stripper who only strips and dances for you. But the first hours are rocky ones. Just don’t let her give up, or you’ll have woken up to a bruised and battered woman too many days in a row for nothing.
We hope you love your woman a lot, gents, because dating a beginner pole dancer has some sick symptoms that make them difficult to love. But, you know, Jimi Hendrix was probably a loud little terror early on and that worked out.
Single Guy Confessions: I Tried Dating an Amateur Pole Dancer and Things Took a Weird Turn
More confessions: Single Guy Confessions: I Fell In Love With A Girl From A Craigslist Ad
Pole Dancers
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Climbing Anything That Resembles a Pole, Day or Night
It never ends, day or night. You go out to get lunch, and she's climbing street signs. You take her to a bar, and she's hanging from the door guy. God help you if you take her to a playground on a Wednesday.
Photo: via Pinterest
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Never Giving Up to the Point of Embarrassment
Feats she's not quite prepared to take on are the new Friday date night. You have to support her for trying, but who will support you for putting up with this freak show? Best case scenario: She gets good enough to do competitions, but then...
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"Her Competitions Feel Like Going to a Lame Strip Club
Now you feel like a regular at the shittiest strip club ever created. There is no nudity, no lap dances and if you look at another girl dancing, you're going to get it.
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Losing Your Security Deposit For You
She doesn't seem to mind destroying your home if she can get in a little extra practice. Moving the coffee table and any breakables beforehand would have been a good idea if it weren't too late already.
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Hooker Boots
As the boots get bigger, her clothes get smaller. And while we like this inversely proportionate equation, the likelihood she can meet mom diminishes with it.
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Man Hands & Aggressive Bruising
Suddenly, her hands are more calloused than yours, and you landscape for a living. The hand jobs are sheer terror, and her constant bruising and scarring make you look like an abusive boyfriend. Convicted? No, not convicted, just one of those guys who hasn't been caught...yet.
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Glitter Everywhere
When there's glitter once, there's glitter forever. Why'd she put it on if you're not leaving the house? Nobody knows, but now it's in your pee hole and you spraying rainbows every morning after a roll in the hay with this unicorn-loving psycho.
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Arm Wrestling Her Suddenly Not So Cute
Correction: Her spirit animal was a unicorn, but now it's a bear. And if you arm wrestle her, you're going to cry yourself to sleep or break up. We suggest both.
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There's a Pole in Your Home
If your girl is a dancer, it's only a matter of time before there's a pole in your favorite room(s). It's like being married in that it's only a matter of time before it all goes to hell. Could be 40 years from now. But either way, you're getting a pole, mister.
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It's Just Not How You Imagined It'd Be
You thought it would be sexy. You thought you'd have everything you ever wanted in a woman. You thought you were getting your own private champagne room. But really, she's unconscious from falling, you can't find the keys to the car because the pole just crushed your living room and there's a decent chance you didn't keep the receipt.
