The barren white sands of northern Nevada transform every August as thousands of revelers descend on the desert for a week of pure insanity. If you’ve never been to Burning Man, but have always wanted to, make sure you come prepared. Unlike other desert festivals in Indio or Palm Springs, Burning Man sucks you into an alternate universe where life takes on a different proportion altogether. It’s an experience that can leave you feeling razed and reborn. Avoid any semblance of unity and transformation by following this first timer’s guide to being a detestable human being for one week straight.
Photo: David McNew (Getty Images)
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Burning Man Guide
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Become A Drug-Addled Maniac
Prepare yourself by drinking a gallon of PCP and ingesting a veritable multi-galaxy of uppers, downers, sidewinders, and circle jerks. Enter the desert with an energy so volatile, people are uncomfortable just sensing you from a half-mile radius.
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Steal Someone's Bike
As soon as you enter the festival grounds, steal a stranger's bicycle and ride it into a sandstorm, cackling.
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Abuse the Barter System
Take what you please without giving anything in return. Be a real dick about it.
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Call the Cops On People Smoking Pot
On your stolen bicycle, pedal out to where there's cell reception. Call the cops and narc on a nice elderly couple. Refer to their illicit activity as "doing pot."
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Eat All the Food
When dinnertime comes, imagine you hold the world title in competitive eating and spend the first night scarfing down other people's food supplies until you have unimaginably violent diarrhea.
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Dump Water On Everyone's Flaming Effigy
Go around in red fireman's overalls dumping buckets of water on burning altars while shouting, "Watch out! Fire!"
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Crash A Nude Dance Party While Wearing Business Casual Socks
It's weird, passive aggressive, and slightly menacing all at the same time.
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Be Closed Off and Judgmental
Never smile. Never say hello. Just roll up to various camps and skulk quietly in the corner pretending to read Mike Pence's biography.
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Random Sex, No Condom
Try hard to procreate. Entice potential mates with the peaceful chant of "raw dog, raw dog."
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Gather Dust In Every Orifice
Get as dusty as humanly possible and return to work on Monday without showering. You now reek completely of detestable human being, you filthy, filthy animal.
