Grocery shopping is not what it used to be. Before the COVID-19 outbreak, you could leisurely peruse the aisles, sample food, and even flirt with fellow shoppers. Now, shopping feels like an Olympic-level contact sport. Everyone is out for blood. It’s like Black Friday and Groundhog’s Day had a bastard child that became the new normal for shopping. With delivery services overloaded, you’ll be forced to join the panicked throngs at least once a week. When you do, you’ll inevitably come across strong personalities that will make your shopping trip even more unpleasant than you thought it could be. These are 10 kinds of shoppers you’ll encounter (and who will annoy the hell out of you) during the coronavirus pandemic.
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Types of Shoppers Coronavirus
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The Prepper
You’ll know this shopper by the sheer quantity of products they’re piling in their cart (or flatbed, if they’re a real pro). While waiting in the checkout line, they’ll take time to spew their doomsday philosophy to you and point out why all your purchases will be completely useless when the apocalypse comes.
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The Hot Head
Some people really don’t enjoy shopping, and they’re going to let everybody know it. Whether it’s cursing that their favorite peanut butter is out of stock or audibly scoffing after getting cut off by someone’s cart, you’ll be able to detect exactly which aisle this shopper is in as they make their way angrily through the store.
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The Old Geezer
God help you if you get stuck behind a geriatric shopper. They don’t shop, they shuffle, and have to take frequent breaks to remember who the heck they are, why they’re here, and what they need. As soon as you have an opening, steer your cart around them and leave them in the dust!
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The Close-Talker
Curiosity killed the cat, and it might kill you, too, if you get cornered by a close-talker. This shopper wants to analyze everything in your cart and ask you why you chose one brand over another before begging you to draw them a map of where you found that hand soap. They won’t respect your personal space bubble, much less the recommended 6 feet of social distancing. Here’s hoping they don’t accidentally spit on you.
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The Oblivious Parent
"Shoot me now." That's what you'll be saying after encountering this shopper, who has dragged their entire litter of rugrats to the store with them, at least one of whom is having a meltdown at any given moment. Rather than haul them all off to the minivan to calm down, this shopper seems immune to their children’s cries and is going to let them wail and ruin everyone else’s (already stressful) shopping experience.
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The Obnoxious Teens
Kids these days treat grocery shopping like a joy ride. They’re not here to buy anything more substantial than soda and snacks, yet they hog the entire aisle, belting Top 40 tunes and busting a move. Their over-zealousness exhausts you. They're having the time of their lives and all you want to do is cross the last item off your list.
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The Bickering Couple
Most couples are decent enough to keep their fights behind closed doors. But not this couple, who feels the need to nitpick, criticize, and outright insult each other as they walk through the store, oblivious to the rest of us who have enough on our minds without getting involved in their marital discord. The least they could do is take their argument outside and free up some space by the deli counter.
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The Shopper-for-Hire
We empathize with this shopper because they have to do this all day long and it is not an easy job. But could they just lift their gaze from their screens every once in a while to watch where they’re going? This shopper is the most likely to ram their cart right into your ankles while muttering, "They don't pay me enough to put up with this bullshit."
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The Coupon Clipper
This shopper holds up everyone both in the aisles and at the register by consulting their paper coupons or an app on their phone to maximize their savings. They can never leave the store without disputing that one discount that didn’t go through. Life’s a wastin’ and all they can think about is getting 25 cents off a can of soup.
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The Jokester
This shopper didn’t come to fill an urgent, gaping void in their fridge; they came to take selfies and make double entendres in the produce section. If only they’d put those melons-masquerading-as-tits down so you could actually buy them.
