Coronavirus lockdown has been rough on everyone (and their lonely genitals), but if you weren’t lucky enough to be quarantined with a bed buddy, you probably found yourself unexpectedly celibate. Now that the country is reopening, shameless singles (most in Florida) are ready to mingle, COVID-19 exposure be damned! While dating may look like a worse idea than usual, if life does return to some form of normalcy soon, you’ll need a refresher on how to seduce women without getting stuck in a relationship you never asked for, hence the Rusty American’s Guide to getting back to being a self-serving f*ckboi.
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Stalk your prey on social media.
Phone calls and even texts are too intimate. The only way to entice her without seeming too needy is to strike on social media. Wait for her to change her avatar, post a pic, or tweet, then slide into those DMs.
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Make her do the planning.
Tell her you two should “hang out sometime” but don’t commit to a time or place. This makes women’s heads spin. She’ll eventually get the message and, if she really wants to see you, she’ll follow up. This is when you drop the line, “Let me know when you’re free.” Eventually, she’ll get sick of waiting and will propose a day, time, and place, saving you all the annoying logistical planning.
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Talk shit about other people.
This is especially effective if your topics of conversation are your exes or other women you’re dating. She might imply she doesn’t want to hear about your past or the other women in your rotation, but secretly, she does. Oh, how she does. She’s mining your interactions with others to try to predict your next move. Little does she know, there’s no predicting you.
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Beat around the bush.
We mean metaphorically, you dirty dog. At some point, if she’s into you, she’s going to go into interrogation mode. Tap into your inner politician and learn to answer her questions circuitously. One evasive and effective response: “Why are you asking me that question?”
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Lie.
If she confronts you on something – like if you’re dating other women – and won’t let up, there’s only one way out: lie your ass off. Truth is fluid and open to interpretation – and some things are just none of her business anyway. If she won’t back off, she really gives you no other option than to spin a yarn.
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Use intermittent reinforcement.
A classic 1950s psychological study involved giving rats intermittent reinforcement, meaning inconsistent rewards. It literally drove the rodents crazy. The good news (for you) is that it works on people, too. Shower her with compliments one day, then disappear for a week. Reappear like nothing happened and turn on the charm again. She won’t understand it, but she will be hooked.
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Pretend she’s invisible.
Date enough and you’re bound to run into someone you know when you’re out on the town. Go ahead and have that catch-up small talk with your former college roommate, but don’t feel any pressure to introduce your flavor of the week to him. There’s nothing worse than introducing a woman to someone in your social circle and having to answer questions about her months later. Keep her name to yourself and there will never be a “What happened to…?” query later. Also, she'll understand that she hasn't reached introduction status yet.
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Refuse to appear on her social media.
Ugh, why do women feel the need to take date selfies? As soon as she raises her phone in the tell-tale selfie posture, tell her that you’re a “private person” and that you prefer to be "discreet" when it comes to dating. (And just to be sure she doesn’t fact-check you on that, lock down all your social media profiles.) Rather than be offended, she’ll be impressed that you’re not participating in the popularity contest that is the internet.
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Bang at her place.
You want to set up the fastest exit possible, and there’s no way to do that if she comes to your place, where she’ll very likely start nesting and may never leave. That’s why you have to bang at her place, so you can be out the door mere minutes after the condom comes off.
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Ghost.
You got what you wanted. Now it’s time to move on. You could try explaining this to her, but she won’t understand. The only way to make a clean break is to disappear. Hide her on social media, ignore her texts, and avoid her in public. It might seem cruel at first, but the rip-off-the-Band-Aid approach really is the kindest way to go about this. Now rinse and repeat with someone new.
