Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Hey now You’re a mall cop Tell the bad kids Don’t skaaate Hey now Ride a golf cart Get your stun gun Go taaaze and most nights i sleep alone
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) May 29, 2015
[emergency room] “We need to put pressure on the wound!” [to wound] We’ve been together 6 months now, I think we should move in together”
— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) February 16, 2015
You ever really miss your ex’s pets?
— Crissy Milazzo (@frizzyfilazzo) September 27, 2014
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
— ⒻⓇⓄ ⓋⓄ (@fro_vo) May 30, 2015
Me: Number 17 please McD: We dont have a 17 Me: Its 2 # 2s, a # 13, an apple pie & a fudge sundae McD: Ok that’ll b- Me: 22.17, comin around
— ceeks (@70Ceeks) December 10, 2014
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) June 6, 2015
How to be a grown up at work: Replace “Fuck you” with “Ok, great”
— Pin Up Teacher (@pinupteacher) April 3, 2015
I want a Princess Aurora in the sheets and a Princess Ariel in the, what’s that word again? Streeeeeets.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 26, 2015
ANY FAMILY MEMBER FOUND DISOBEYING THE PINTEREST FAMILY MANIFESTO FOR A SECOND TIME WILL BE EXECUTED. pic.twitter.com/kzVK71d3e5
— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) May 26, 2015
dating is so hard. it’s like, if only I could find someone else who loves to travel
— BROTAKU (@BromanConsul) May 25, 2015
Is your refrigerator running? pic.twitter.com/vYN0FKVHi3
— Aaron Chewning (@AaronChewning) March 5, 2015
Four Chandler Bings share an apartment. Hijinx ensues. it’s “The Big Bing Theory” pic.twitter.com/Uozig18Qqm
— Hutch Harris (@thethermals) June 2, 2015
Me:Need sleep Brain:You’re moving in 2 days M:I know B:Mooving M:There’s nothing I can do about it right now B:you’re also gonna die one day
— Yael (@elle91) May 29, 2015
“anyway here’s wonderwall” pic.twitter.com/Xm56Uqg9fn
— jonnifer lopez (@senderblock23) May 30, 2015
I told someone I’ve been single for 2 years. They thought that was really sad but I thought I was bragging
— Anthony Troli (@AnthonyTroli) April 18, 2015
I think cultures obsession with zombies is a way to purge our subconscious desire to murder people who walk too slow on sidewalks.
— Bill Dixon (@BillDixonish) June 7, 2015
The less sleep I get, the surer I am of my opinions.
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) June 5, 2015
If I had one week to live, I would sit down and read your political Facebook updates so every second would feel like a fucking eternity.
— Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) June 5, 2015
every Guy Fieri recipe is basically just deep frying an exclamation point
— Matt Oswalt (@Puddinstrip) May 9, 2015
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table. It’s what they want.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) April 23, 2015
