For nearly three decades, we’ve followed the story of Skynet, the self-aware robot army of the future, as they try to exterminate the leader of mankind, John Connor. In what’s basically a robotic version of Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner, the mechanical menaces have gone to elaborate lengths to destroy Connor and failed miserably every time.
But are they really using their advanced knowledge and powers to the full capacity?
In the first “Terminator,” they send an ultra powerful cyborg to kill John’s mother. It fails. Not only does it fail, but also Michael Biehn, who, in 2011, starred in box office abomination “Take Me Home Tonight,” defeats it. You could have, at least, prevented this travesty, Skynet.
In “Terminator 2,” they send a shape-shifting creation that can take on any form to take out teen John Connor. This isn’t Number 5 from “Short Circuit,” or some other mobile typewriter, this is the real deal. Wikipedia’s full description of the T-1000 is “a prototype which is more advanced than the terminator sent to kill Sarah in 1984, the T-1000 is composed of a “mimetic poly-alloy”, a liquid metal that allows it to take the shape and appearance of anyone or anything it touches.” In other words, if Prince’s amazing music took the form of a cyborg, it would be a T-1000. This amazing creation somehow fails as well.
I don’t want to delve too deep into the plot of “Terminator 3,” because all six of you who saw it would probably like to forget that it ever happened. Nonetheless, the robots decided to promote gender equality in robotic bounty hunters and made the new T-X a female. The description of the T-X is “A more advanced model than previous Terminators, the T-X has an endoskeleton with built-in weaponry, a liquid metal exterior similar to the T-1000, and the ability to control other machines.” The human resistance figured their best bet to protect the future was to send an old T-850 model back that they’d reprogrammed. It’s really like using a Ford Fiesta to race a Bugatti, but the Bugatti is being driven by Jason Statham in “The Transporter” and the Fiesta is driven by Rocky Dennis from “Mask.” Don’t ask me how, but Rocky’s Fiesta wins the race and mankind is safe, once again.
In “Terminator: Salvation” they sent the demi-god from “Clash of the Titans” but he’s not completely a robot and he’s not quite human so it just gets really confusing. Quick question, could they not send back more than one robot? I feel like their odds of taking out Connor would much more than double by sending multiple units back at once. If their time portal device is limited to one piece of mass at a time, why not connect a bunch of robots together like a poorly anticipated level of Tetris and send the whole cluster of homicidal metal back at once? Four different times Skynet has had a chance to kill John Connor, and four times they have failed.
How is that possible? It’s quite simple. They’re over-thinking things way too much.
Think about it, you have the ability to send back a robot that can take whatever form it wants and you choose metallic Robert Patrick? Seriously? Why not send the robot back as a cute little kid with a giant lollipop? Everyone trusts a cute little kid with a giant lollipop. It seems as though Skynet needs some consulting. Am I, by writing this, giving them the blueprints for destroying humanity and dooming us all? Are the computers going to read this and finally succeed? Is this like giving Marv and Harry a list of every trap that Kevin has planted in his home? It doesn’t matter, someone needs to help them out. Here are 5 much easier ways Skynet could have killed John Connor and won the war against mankind.
1. Take the Form of His Motorcycle
In “Terminator 2,” we get scene after scene of Edward Furlong riding around on his motorcycle like a tiny, slightly more annoying member of the Sons of Anarchy. At no point did this machine not think, “Hey, this kid is always sitting on that piece of hardware while traveling at a tremendous rate of speed. I have the ability to take any form and I am also a piece of hardware. Let’s marry these two ideas together!” It’s really not that difficult. You don’t even have to be a functioning motorcycle! Just emulate the look of his, and as soon as he sits down, turn into a giant clamp and crush him to death. Don’t waste your time interrogating his family or trying to learn his dog’s name, you’re better than this Skynet.
2. A Walkman
I’m going to give the machines the benefit of the doubt and assume they can’t replicate something as intricate as a motorcycle. They’re intelligent enough to destroy civilization for mankind, but can’t figure out the muffler on a Kawasaki. Sure. Why not send back one of your terminators back with something a little subtler than a shotgun? After the first attack on Sarah Connor, they should have known it wouldn’t work again. John Connor is a teen in the ’90s, so just replicate his walkman with one that would explode when he presses play. Problem solved! He’ll think he’s going to enjoy an evening of Soul Asylum but instead he just doomed all of humanity. We kind of deserve it if our one hope is listening to “Runaway Train” on repeat though, don’t we?
3. An Arcade Machine
I don’t know how the machines missed this one. You would think as the T-1000 was walking through the arcade looking for John that he would have noticed that kids seem to want to interact with video games a little more than police officers. Again, YOU ARE A SHAPE SHIFTER, shift into a better shape! Take the form of an arcade game, when he walks up to play you, use that cool sword arm you love so much and stab him in the throat. Not only will you win control of the planet, you’ll also get a ton of quarters from teens in the arcade! How much better could life possibly get than that?
4. A Cell Phone
Cell phones weren’t as predominant when the first three Terminator films came out, so I’ll give Skynet a break there. That being said, there’s a big gap in time between the third and fourth movie. You’re telling me that Skynet couldn’t come up with some sort of electronic device to replicate in this technological dependent era? As of May 2013, 91% of American adults had a cell phone and 56% of those are smartphones.
You don’t need to send back a robotic killing machine. Make a machine that can take the form of an Apple Genius and when John’s iPhone inevitably gets a cracked screen, he’ll bring it in and you can either shoot him in the head, or get really creative and make a phone that would turn into a drill and go through his skull. Honestly it would be more difficult to find something around his house that isn’t electronic during that time period. Take your pick, robots. It’s truly astonishing that your planning is so terrible. The movie could even end with a doctor walking up to John’s body and saying “I told you cell phones were bad for your health!” Everyone would start laughing and it would end on a freeze frame on the doctor high fiving a robot arm. Hopefully they could also get the rights to “The Facts of Life” theme song because that would be perfect.
5. A Pizza
Let’s – once again – give Rosie Jetson and the gang the benefit of the doubt and assume that John Connor became so untrusting of technology that after 2003 he stopped using any form of technology and moved to a cabin out in the mountains. You can’t replicate any electronics or he’ll know it’s a trap. He’s won, right? Wrong again you walking 28.8bps modems. According to a 2013 study, there are 252 million pounds of pepperoni consumed every year from pizza. It’s a $32 billion industry.
Did Skynet not have access to focus groups or pie charts? John will have to eat, so create a machine that can turn into a pizza. That way when he calls Dominos, your assassin can get in the delivery guy’s car and replace the actual pie with himself. Not only would another human be driving you straight to his location, John could even be following it using the Dominos Pizza Tracker and never be the wiser that he’s about to be taken out. You could also make the pizza-bot out of the same material as the T-1000 so John could eat it and either die of mercury poisoning or, once he’s consumed the whole thing, it could reconnect and turn into Robert Patrick which I know the robots love so much. Imagine that, John Connor dies as a result of eating Robert Patrick, only to have him burst back out of his body. That’s the way you win a war, machines. That’s how you do it in style.
